| December Updates | ||||||||
| 12/6 | 12/9 | 12/15 | 12/20 | 12/21 | 12/23 | 12/25 | 12/27 | |
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Updates Archive (2001) |
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| Oct | |||||||
The days are harder and longer than ever.... Last night we rented a movie and just "vegged out" but even that is different now. First of all, movies are soooo senseless now. It's almost as if the movie makers in Hollywood just think of any old subject and go with it. Just a waste of time, a waste of good, sweet, precious, forever gone time.......Second of all, we were (unwisely) trying to "lose" ourselves in someone else's life to take a break from the constant grief. The only thing we forgot to think about is that the movie had to end sometime.....when the movie ended we were thrown back into the painful reality that Levi is not with us. The movie we were watching was about World War 2 and all its atrocities but it seemed easier than the reality that is now ours..... I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't sleep, I just laid in bed and stared at the moonlight shining through the cracks of the blinds. I used to do that before Levi "left" and would wonder what it would be like if/when he wasn't here....it's much worse than I ever could have imagined.....how could we have known how it would feel to live out our nightmare?
Levi has been with Jesus for one week today. It's funny how eternity
used to be something we hoped for but would understand "later"
and we kept it that way as if savoring a surprise. I just never investigated
heaven and what scripture says about it. I kinda felt like "there
will be time for celebrating later but today we must focus on the 'work
at hand.'"..... Now that Levi is a resident there I can't learn enough
about it. I search, dig, and scrape the scriptures to learn more about
Levi's new home. I pray for wisdom, visions, revelations... anything that
will help me to "see" him in his comfort....before Levi went
there, only one corner of my heart was focused on the things of eternity,
but now, only one corner of my heart is here.....we have a stored up "treasure"
there and we can't wait to get back to him. We almost rear-ended a car
yesterday, Jeff was in "another world" and had to slam on the
breaks to keep from ramming the guy in front of us. No one was even scared.
Out of the silence Caleb said, "Wow, we almost went to be with Levi,
that would have been so cool."....... at bath time last night Graci
said, "I miss Levi and I just want to go to heaven to be with him."
(It's so hard to see her playing by herself, they were so inseperable....and
now she's without a playmate.) Overtime Jonah prays he wants Jesus to
say "Hi" to Levi... "and tell him we miss him so bad down
here."
I can't believe that my "little man" is somewhere I have never
been before. It's so strange....I am such a control freak with my children.
I know everything they eat, drink, wear, see, learn, read..... I even
know what they're thinking. But now, I know none of that about Levi. I
almost feel irresponsible. Isn't that crazy? Our family feels so incomplete
now. I long for that completeness. I feel so lost without all four of
my children to take care of.
I know that out of the ashes, the rubble and the cold hard ground come beauty, hope and roses. But I'm still in the "rubble stage" wondering how I will ever move on..... I wonder if he knew how much I love him, how could he" I didn't even know. I hope that somewhere along the way in my foolish and imperfect mothering, my heart spoke to his heart-----in a way that words, tears, hugs and kisses could never express…
.......but the Lord did not leave me empty handed. I have Caleb, Jonah
and Graci.... sometimes I hold them close and cry silently. I scratch
their backs and hug them, I hold them, rub their feet... I even imagine
that I am doing this to Levi. I rubbed Graci's feet last night and it
was sooo much like Levi was still here. I miss his feet. I miss his chubby
hands. I miss his crossed eyes, Whenever I imagine his face it's not long
before the face that I see is the face that was in the casket. I hate
that.....I want my mind to stay on his "alive face." I am broken.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise. (Psalm 51:17) I pray that my heart is honorable
to the Lord. That my brokenness will be a sweet gift to the Him.
Record my lament, list my tears on your scroll---are they not in your
record? Psalm 56:8
Oh Lord, give me the strength to do well with what I have been given.
Create in me a pure heart. It feels so empty right now, surely you will
fill it with purpose and purity. Surely this pain will not be without
great purpose. Surely.....it feels so useless right now. It seems like
such a bad plan. Don't you know that I am too weak for this? Don't you
know that I am not a warrior? I am a child.... I can't live without him
here. But I have to. Oh Lord, be my strength. I feel so lost, weak, useless,
sad......Help me Jesus to set my face like flint before you, to stand
I know that it's kinda weird that I keep writing updates....I'm sorry I just have to write out my feelings. I have to pour out the pieces of my heart on the computer screen and pick through the fragmented parts in search of anything that might be left. So far I don't find much other than unexplainable pain. (Words-----they're more useless than ever. They are nothing but a slight drizzle in the ocean of expression).....
Last night was the most horrible night of my life. We had our family Christmas gathering. As I look at each one of my sweet, precious family I remember the special place each one of them held in Levi's heart. I could, in my minds eye, see every memory of them with my "little man." We covered over the pain with laughter and presents for the sake of the other children. But it was obvious. We are all a dam about to be broken, wondering what will be next in this wilderness journey through grief and sorrow.
My passion for life that used to be a fierce flame is now nothing more than a smoldering pile of rubble. I try to conjure up the desire but it's usually to no avail.....
......I only filled three stockings last night....that was so sad. We were going to open Levi's presents this morning but I didn't feel strong enough so we put them all aside. I can't imagine that I will ever be at a place that I can actually look at them, open them. He loved to cook with me..... we got him an easy bake oven, I know it's a girl thing but it was going to be my way of bringing the kitchen to him.....I was so excited about seeing him open it. I can see him now.....we bought him a robot, it was a really good one that had a remote control that he could make go and get things for him.....we got a trampoline with the sides on it. We were looking forward to going out on it at night with sleeping bags and pillows and then listen to worship music, look up at the stars and talk about how cool God is for making them for us. (We used to do that on the back porch but it was gonna be extra cool on the trampoline....)
....I'm starting to have regrets....I'm remembering all the "mistakes"
I made. I remember every time I got on to him when I was tired and couldn't
be patient any longer... I see those eyes....their sadness....one time
he was sitting at the bar stool in the kitchen, he had been there for
hours eating.....finally I said (with agitation that he was constantly
eating....) "okay, let's go into the den"....he looked at me
and said, "but wait, I wanted to ask you a question....through tears
he said, "I was just wondering if I could have dessert... holding
his finger and thumb closely together to signify "a little bit",
"just a tiny little bit?" I felt so bad for making him feel
guilty for being hungry, I fell down on my knees and put my head into
his lap and cried like a baby. He stroked my hair with his one good arm
and cried with me. He cried so hard.... And then , he turned my face up
to look at his and he said, "Will you forgive me, Mommy?"............sweet,sweet,sweet
little man of mine......how will I live without you here? Oh Lord, I never
knew that sorrow was so deep and cruel with tentacles that have no rhyme
or reason. Who knows where my mind will take me next.........Lord, help
me to tuck it away for now.....my other children need me to be happy today.
Give me strength. Please radiate your joy through me, somehow, someway,
I don't know how you will do it. But, I'll just have to leave it up to
you.....I trust in You Lord, You have never forsaken me. But it has never
been harder to rejoice in You. Help me....... Jesus tell Levi "Merry
Christmas" from us!
jami
It's the end of the day, the funeral day. We have been totally surrounded
with people all day. I am overwhelmed with the love and affirmation we
received today....I feel so unworthy.....
The Lord's grace has been so sufficient. I have felt lifted, held, even
carried throughout this day.
But now we're home and tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I am having weird
feelings. I can't explain it. It's sorrow and fear of the future but joy
and relief all at the same time. I can't look at pictures of Levi yet.
It's not the pictures of him when he was healthy that "get to me,"
it's the "last week" Levi pictures that cut my heart out. Oh
Lord, I missed his healthy body for so long but now I feel foolish that
I made a "fuss" about it when I would do anything just to have
his chubby body here for just one more night, one more morning. I just
want to tell him I love him one more time. I just want to touch him while
he's still warm and soft. The longing in my heart is so deep, how could
I put to words the depth of my pain? It's so deep that it's physical.
I feel it in my whole body. My soul groans......but I don't let myself
go "full force" into grieving, I cut myself off before I feel
much. I'm so weary from pain. I'm numb. I'd rather not feel anything right
now, just to get a reprieve from the agony that has become a part of me.
Job, my new friend, a fellow "valley walker," said this: "If
only my anguish could be weighed and all my misery be placed on the scales
it would surely outweigh the sand of the seas..." (Job 6:2, 3)
Oh how I bear witness with that, I feel that from within the deepest places
of my soul. But with the same depth and intensity I feel – (Job 6:10)
"but let this be our one consolation…our joy in unrelenting
pain…that we had not denied the words of the Holy One…Even now
my witness is in heaven; my advocate is on high. My intercessor is my
friend as my eyes pour out tears to God (16:19) …"But
He knows the way that we take. When He has tested us; let us come forth
as gold. Let our feet closely follow His steps: Let us keep to his ways
without turning aside. Let us not depart from the commands of His lips;
Let us treasure the words of His mouth more than our daily bread"
(23: 10-11). He is looking deep into my heart and Oh Lord, find good stuff
…be pleased…
Please "enter in" for us. I know it seems like it's all over.
Levi is with Jesus …Levi is safe, warm, forever "tucked in",
victorious in his battle and his calling here on earth, he fought the
good fight, he "finished well". But for me, the battle is just
beginning. The road ahead is long and painful, I know because I feel the
tip of it today. I know that if I let myself I could break into a million
pieces right here in my chair, I am hanging on by a very thin thread.
I sing praises to my Lord because I don't know what else to do.
I know that the eyes are the window to the soul so I look deep, deep,
deep into the eyes of my children. I like to "lock on" and look
at them. Not just a glance, not just look in the "eye" but the
"soul" so that they know that I am sooooo interested in who
they are, I want to know and love them in a spiritual way, a way that
is deeper than average parents know each of their children.
I remember I used to just sit down and stare into Levi's eyes, I guess
I knew that someday his eyes would not be here with me and soon the memory
of them would be all I have. I see them now, in my mind and I miss them
so terribly. Jesus, would you look into Levi's eyes for me, he'll know
what you're doing. He'll know it's a "mommy thing". Would you
run your hands through his floppy blonde hair, like I wish I could? Would
you rub his hands and feet with oil like I long to do for him? Would you
scratch his back for me? Oh Lord, my heart hurts so bad, will I ever heal?
jami
It's December 21st.
I must say that yesterday was by far the the hardest day of my life …Levi
died.
I can't believe I just typed that… Levi died. How could that be.
Will I live in excruciating pain all the days of my life? I feel destroyed
and beaten beyond recognition. I am searching like never before for the
word of the Lord to console me… "come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. Since you are my rock
and my fortress for the sake of your name lead and guide me. Free me from
the trap that is set for me"…
How did we get to this place?????????
All I know right now is that the visitation (viewing) will be at Tom M.
Wages Funeral Home (3705 Hwy. 78 West, Snellville, GA 30078; 770-979-3200)
between 5 and 7 PM Saturday Dec. 22nd, and the funeral will be at Lilburn
Alliance Church (Hwy. 29 At Mimosa Drive, Lilburn, GA 30048; 770-921-1843)
at 2:30 PM on Sunday.
Please pray for us. More than ever before we need a freshness from the
Lord. We need His touch. He is doing a new thing… making a way in
the desert and streams in the wasteland …I will cling to that. But
I do not understand His ways… Jeff is still my knight in shining
armor, a pillar of strength for me to fall into …Praise you Lord
for him.
jami
It's December 20th,
my twin sister, Lori's 36th birthday (and mine too). So far it has been
a rough one. Yesterday Levi had a really bad day: difficulty breathing,
not eating all day and just generally frustrated with his situation. We
had a group of prayer warriors come last night and it was an incredible
time of the Lord meeting us there. Levi was breathing much easier and
seemed fine. We went to sleep at about 12:30am. I woke up at about 2:00am
to Levi's loud and labored breathing. We've been up ever since. We are
pressing in (again) to the Lord. We are holding to Him and His promises.
Our eyes are ever on the Lord for only He will release our feet from the
snare. May we, in our deep valley, still gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and seek Him in his temple. We are still confident of this: We will see
the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. We will wait for the
Lord, we will be strong and take heart and WAIT. I must confess in the
waiting, I have become so weary and beaten down that I have had "words"
with God. I felt, and told Him, that I was not pleased with the way He
was handling this situation "I am ready Lord, I can't handle the
waiting and the watching any longer, my limit has been reached,"come
on Lord give us a break here!" "Lord, I'm calling to you...my
back is against the wall and my face is against a "hard place."
Save us! "Why is he getting worse?" Why would you give us the
miracle of life but not finish it?" With each time I come to you
Lord and he is not restored my faith becomes weaker and weaker, please
sustain me, lift me up, hold me, I am desperate, so incredibly desperate
for your touch.......and then I read and seek Him in His word..... "The
Lord shakes the desert, the voice of the Lord twists the oaks and strips
the forests bare. And in His temple all cry, 'GLORY'"....The Lord
gives strength to His people the Lord blesses His people with peace. (Psalm
29:8-11). ......I trust in the lord, I will be glad and rejoice in your
love for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul, You have
not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place....(Psalm
31:7-8).........
Levi is still breathing with extreme difficulty. His color is bad....
the natural mind can't help but think the worst. But we choose to look
with spiritual eyes. I have to pray with my eyes closed and NOT look at
Levi because my natural mind will throw me into despair and hopelessness.
We will still stand on the promise of LIFE. Stand with us please.........
We're claiming that the Son of Righteousness will rise with healing in
his wings and Levi will got out and leap like a calf released from his
stall....The Lord is doing a new thing now it springs up; do you not perceive
it? He is making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.......
(Isaiah 43:19)
We are clinging to the Lord with white knuckles. Please come and cling
with us for His name sake and for the Glory of the Lord to come to our
Land like a Flood!!!!!!
jami
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Last time I wrote you I didn't give you any practical information about Levi and his improvement. I'm sorry. I must admit it's hard to write about his daily improvement because it's so gradual. I wish I could write an update telling you about how he's out running and playing in the front yard... but not today, maybe tomorrow!!!!!! He is definitely getting stronger and stronger every day. It's just very hard to notice when I'm with him 24/7. He can sit up with help from pillows. He can take a bath without me holding him up. He is very alert mentally but obviously frustrated when we can't understand what he's trying to tell us. He's trapped inside this shell that is not serving him well. But this too will soon pass. I am slowly bringing him off the decadron. When we came home from the hospital he was on 4mg every 12 hours. Today I started him on 1/2mg every 12 hours. So, hopefully, his appetite will dwindle and he will lose a little weight and be more comfortable. Since he is so sedentary he gets constipated. We pray the "poopie prayer" quite often (isn't that cool that God is a God who hears us when we ask for a healing and when we ask for a "poop?")
Our days are hard and seem to go on forever at times. But in the midst of waiting (for the promise of complete restoration) we have had some cool moments… since Levi has a hard time feeding himself, Caleb, Jonah and Graci like to feed him. Graci was feeding him lunch yesterday. I went down to the basement for a second. When I came back up Levi was covered (I mean COVERED) with tuna. Graci couldn't understand what he was saying… He was saying "you're making me laugh" but she thought he was saying "could you go fast" so she did. He was chewing as fast as he could and she was "shoveling" as fast as she could. You gotta love that!!!!!!!!
Last night we went out to eat because Levi was dying to go to Chili's for some chips and salsa. So, we packed him up and took him and Graci (Caleb and Jonah were spending the night with the Hartley's). It was a really weird moment because from the time we walked in, to the time we left, people were staring at us. If they only knew that just 9 months ago they would have been staring because he was such a beautiful child but now they were staring out of pity… If they only knew that he was saved from death just three weeks ago they would have been staring because they were looking at a miracle, the mercy of God personified.
…Levi just called Jeff and said "Dad, I want to wrestle you and I'm gonna beat you, because I'm strong" …so gotta go!!!
Here's the verse we're claiming today… "I will strengthen them in the Lord and in his name they will walk…declares the Lord." Zechariah 10:12
jami
It's early Sunday morning and I'm here in "the secret place." The last update was a down hearted one so I just wanted to let you know that the Lord, once again has comforted me. He has shown me "just enough light for the step I'm on" and is in control of the ones ahead. This morning I was reading in my journal, the day we transported Levi home. I wanted to see how far the Lord has brought us....
November 25, 2001
10:20am …with each breath I watch him (Levi) take, I say to the Lord, "just one more, just one more... until I look at the clock and realize that I've been watching him breathe for hours."
1:30pm …they're taking out all the I.V.s now. They know he probably won't make the trip home. (What a sad job.) Oh Lord, help him to be comfortable. Hold him and don't let go… Help me--- how will I get out of this hospital without falling to pieces?…
…time is cruel and indecent without understanding how desperately I need it to stop. "Just wait one more minute so I can hold him while he's alive."
…I know that there have been mothers down through history who have watched their children die. But they couldn't possibly have loved them as much as I love mine. It's just not possible. Surely no one has ever hurt as badly as I do right now…
When I read these I was reminded of how mighty and wonderful and merciful the Lord has been. He has brought us so far. Who is like our God? "…but I, by your great mercy, will come into your house; in reverence will I bow down toward your holy temple." (Psalm 5:7). Time and time again He proves Himself to be a God that does not forget or forsake. And time and time again I am a woman of little faith having to be reminded of His Goodness and never ending Faithfulness to us. Rubem Alves says: "Hope is hearing the melody of the future. Faith is to dance to it." I am learning to dance. I'm learning to be boldly confident in the Lord. I'm learning that He is not like me in that He stays on track with His character, He doesn't "get down" and want to give up… and the coolest thing I'm learning is that He delights in me. I don't know why because I'm not very delightful but I'll take it anyway…
"He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters
He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes who were too strong for me....the
Lord was my support. He brought me out into the spacious place; He rescued me
because he delighted in me." Psalm 18:16-19
I know there's a lot more to learn, but for today I'm basking in this lesson because it's a fun one!!!!
jami
Today finds me really discouraged. I know, I know – I should be soooo grateful for the healing that we have seen. I guess I have become greedy. I am an American Christian and have been tainted by the fast-food, "hurry up" lifestyle. I am so ready for Levi's complete recovery. His mind is as sharp as a tack and he is so ready to have the abilities of his lower body restored fully. He wants to go out to breakfast. He wants to go upstairs to his room, he wants to go outside and play …he keeps forgetting that his body doesn't work yet. It's a strange thing to be half way through a healing. You can't call the doctors and say "hey, his legs still don't work", because technically he should be dead. Weird, huh? The only one I can talk to about this "purgatory" I feel like we're in is God Himself. So, (of course) I do… David's Psalms are the cry of my heart, "Answer me when I call to you, Oh my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer."(4:1) "Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God for to you I pray." (Psalm 5:1&2)
I went for a run around our neighborhood today… I ran past the pool and a flood of memories came over me. I wasn't prepared for it. All of a sudden I saw (in my minds eye) all the kids playing in the water. Levi in his swimmies and goggles, his swimming trunks falling down. His hair was bleached white from the sun, he was tan and freckled on his sweet little nose …laughing, playing, having fun with the other kids. Oh how I miss that …I remember when I could give equal time to each of my children. Gone are those days. I hardly know my other children now. All my time is devoted to taking care of one. Lord, help Caleb, Jonah and Graci to know how much I love them and miss them. Help them to survive these "never ending" days. I know the Lord is preserving them but my "mothers heart" is breaking to enjoy them, to be able to focus on them. Oh Holy breath of Heaven revive my heart. I am so weary and dry. I am spent …I know that this whole healing/waiting process is divinely orchestrated and that the Father is closer than I realize so I press into Him in my barrenness and brokenness, longing for a deeper awareness of His presence… Just when I think I have "fought the good fight" it goes on and on and on…
In S. J. Hills book Personal Revival, he tells this story: There once was a young man who, in his search for God, came to study at the feet of a wise man. One day the teacher took his pupil to a lake and led him out into shoulder-deep water. Placing his hands on the student's head, he suddenly pushed him under the water and held him there until the young man, in desperation fought his way to the surface. In utter shock and confusion, the student stared at the old man as if to ask, "What in the world are you doing?" The teacher, in response, looked at his pupil and said, "When you want God as much as you wanted air, you shall find Him." That's where we are now!!! We want HIM. Not just Levi's complete restoration …HIS presence to be continuously with us.
Our lives are forever changed, we have seen the Mighty Hand of God bring healing to our house, we felt His presence sweep through us and we cannot – we will not – live without the constant "welcome mat" for His presence. I think that's it!!! He wants us to be desperately seeking a deeper revelation of Him. Never being satisfied with what we had of Him today but looking to tomorrow expectantly to see Him in new light again… What you're seeing here is deep crying out to deep*.
I know this is one crazy mixed up update, breaking all the "literary rules" but I am one crazy mixed up "rule breaker."
~jami~
*Psalm 42:7
It's Saturday morning. A week ago today we were in the hospital wondering what the next minutes/hours would hold for us and our little man. A lifetime has occurred since then… Today he is watching a video ("The Miracles of Jesus", which is very appropriate) with his Uncle Dicky. The doctors* (see the note at the bottom about our doctors) cannot explain why he is still alive, but we can: our God still acts on behalf of His people. There is still much prayer needed so please don't stop. But can I tell you what I have learned in the last week about prayer? It thrills the Father when we come before Him just seeking His face, to know Him anew, to "behold His beauty". When we come boldly yet humbly before Him asking Him to captivate our hearts and teach us something new about His character. When we say "Oh Father, maximize my pleasure in You, I am a glutton for your presence… Oh how my heart and soul sing knowing that people all over are coming into the Holy of Holies to meet with God, drink from His never-ending fountain, being forever changed into the likeness of Him while they are praying for Levi. That's the biggest miracle of all. What an incredible honor to be used by the Lord to open many eyes to see Him in a different light. We are in constant awe… We delight in the works of His hands because our "god box" is being blown away…
On Tuesday morning at about 1:00am Jeff, Lori and I were praying over Levi, claiming scripture on his behalf.... I read Psalm 70 out loud… "Hasten, O God, to save me; O Lord, come quickly to help me… You are my help and my deliverer; O Lord, do not delay." Immediately after I finished reading Levi opened his eyes and put his arm up for a hug. It was incredible to say the least. On Friday morning about 1:00am he pulled out his NG tube (feeding tube) and said, "I'm hungry." His first request was for chips and salsa. We decided it might be better if we start with something a little less "pokey" on his throat. He's been drinking a lot of juice and water and eating soft foods. It is still hard to understand him when he talks and his throat is very sore from the ventilator. He can't use his left side and is unable to sit up YET. Please continue to pray with us for his complete recovery. Isn't it incredible????? He was basically dead on Sunday and today HE LIVES. How 'bout God? Just when we thought we had Him all figured out He goes and gets wild and crazy on us!!!!!!! GO GOD!!!!!!!!!
"My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt His name together…" Psalm 34:2-3
jeff and jami
* Our doctors are believers. They believe that this is a miracle. They give God all the glory.
• Dr. Fitzgerald-Soapes (Aunt Jan to my kids) spent the night at our house for the first 4 nights we were home and stayed up all through the night with Levi so that Jeff and I could rest. After being such close friends/family for so many years how could we have known how incredible she really is? We are still amazed.......
• Dr. Fortenberry was the ICU doctor the night before we left the hospital. He is the doctor that had to meet with us and plan the dreaded transport home. He prayed and cried with us the very first day we met him. He came home with us on the transport. He came back the next day and stayed with us for 10 hours. He has been back to see Levi almost everyday since. He has turned out to be one of the finest men we have known. A blessing