June 28, 2001

The Lord is still being merciful to us. He has not stopped the healing process in Levi. He gets better and better every day. He has lost 6 pounds from the 10 pounds he gained from the steroids. After he was diagnosed he eerily started to ask questions about cemeteries over time as we would pass one on the road. I couldn't help but wonder what that "meant". Last night he was asking somewhere around a million questions about birth. He wanted to know everything about when he was born: "Did it hurt you so bad Mom?" "Were you glad to see me?" "Did you hold me when you saw me?" He was somewhat of an emergency C-section and was whisked away to ICU when he was born so when I told him that I kissed him and then the nurses took him away, he said, "Why did they take me away from you when you're my mommy?" It was so fun to talk about birth and life instead of death.

Since the obvious healing in Levi's body I have been able to "breathe". However, I kinda liked "suffocating" in my need for the Lord. Nicole Nordeman sings a song that I relate to…

Rolling river, (God)… little stones are smooth only after water passes through so I am a stone rough and grainy still, trying to reconcile this river's chill… but when I close my eyes and feel you rushing by I know that time brings change and change takes time and when the sunset comes my prayer would be just one… that you might pick me up and notice that I am just a little smoother in your hand …the river sometimes raging wild, sometimes swollen high, but never have I known this river dry… the deepest part of you (Lord) is where I want to stay and feel the sharpest edges washed away…

It is our deep desire that HE would continue to smooth away the roughest edges of our hearts. So, my prayer is that in this calloused, unbelieving world we would not fall to apathy and mediocrity. This is a struggle when not "under the gun" of desperation. I know it sounds ridiculous that I would worry about falling away when for the last 3 months I have been watching God's hand heal my son. But I know me and I get busy with the daily grind, and rush by HIM, and I am ashamed to say that I feel a special bond with the Israelites when they saw the Red Sea parted, were given manna from heaven, water from rocks… and still lived as if they had never seen God's hand work. I am afraid of that part of me and find myself begging for His fire in my heart to forever burn. I'm not saying that I have forgotten Him. What I'm saying is I know my flesh and its unwillingness to die easily. My sister (Lori) gave me a quote that goes like this…"The more you sweat during peace times the less you bleed during war times." It seems to be a time of peace right now, but the war time is coming so I'm "sweating" in prayer and and hiding His word in my heart so I might not sin against Him in the "war times".

We're excited about seeing HIM glorified at Bebo and Allen's concert on the 13th of this month. Pray with us that as God heals Levi He would use this time to heal hearts and draw the lost to Him by His kindness. May we be clean vessels to carry His message of Love to the world around us.

Once again, we want you to know how much we love and appreciate you. Every e-mail, every gift, every letter, every phone call , every prayer lifted up in your closet. We are wide eyed and in awe at the Love that is being poured out on us.

~jeff and jami~

June 22, 2001

Things are wonderful with Levi. He is full of energy, his mind is sharper than ever, and feeling great. We are so grateful for the healing of the Lord's hand on him. Right now our faith is strong, because we have seen Him work in such a mighty way. We continue to pray for Levi's complete healing.

Levi is doing great yes, however, Jonah is going through an emotional struggle right now. He has all-star practice every night. He is a great player and normally really enjoys playing but all of a sudden he can't leave my side. I have to be where he can see me at all times or he will cry and get a tummy ache. He is constantly afraid I am going to leave him. Last night at a scrimmage game it was thundering. I looked over and he was crying. He has never been afraid of thunder before but this time he was mortified. I went into the dugout and held him. I whispered into his ear, "do you want me to pray now"? He said yes so I started to thank God for His deep love for Jonah. I quoted scripture that I thought would encourage Jonah to trust the Lord to take care of him. He was encouraged and finished the game beautifully but I was more encouraged. It was so cool to "go over" in my mind (as I was praying in Jonah's ear) the wonderful plans the Lord has for us. It's all basic stuff. But how incredible it is that God cares for us in all situations. Even in a stinky old dugout He meets us there. He is our Saviour in all situations. In the most unlikely of places He makes the ground holy ground because He is there. In our hearts we can bow down and worship Him anywhere. And we did. He is High and exalted and worthy of praise. He is Holy but aproachable. He is without blemish but loves and accepts the ugly and imperfect (us). He is our refuge. The shadow in which we hide when we are afraid. The arm we "snuggle" under when we need comfort.

I have learned in my 9 plus years as a parent that there are intermittent "windows of opportunity" to make a memory of life changing proportion in the hearts of our children. I pray that last night in that dugout Jonah had one of those moments. I pray that He will never forget how deep and wide and long the love of Christ is for him because he felt His presence at his 7 year old all star practice game. I'm not sure what is going on in Jonah's little heart and mind but the "lover of his soul" does and is there to help him in a way that Jeff and I can't.

We left the game and he was happy, running, playing, singing in the car and saying, "I love you mom, I love you so much". I am encouraged. I hope you are too.

We love you all,

~jeff and jami~

June 15, 2001

It's been two months and three weeks (84 days) since the diagnosis. This morning I was remembering the feelings I had the moment they told us and the first 2 weeks of trying to let it "soak in". Back then, I wondered what life would be like in 3 months since the doctors told us that without chemo and radiation he would have only 4 to 6 months to live. When I asked, what would happen to him through time without their treatment they said he would be blind and possibly deaf and possibly unable to walk... I, unwisely, let my imagination take me there. I was devastated to say the least. I remember asking the Lord to allow us to testify to His faithfulness whether it be healing Levi or walking with us through his death. Of course, all the while praying with every fiber in me it would be healing. So, when the report came back that the tumor was smaller... RELIEF...

Now, it's been eleven days since the "good report". For some reason I expected life to be easy after that. What was I thinking? Now, there's a new twist in daily life. (I feel ashamed to talk about it because I should be so eternally grateful that HE shrunk the tumor. I should be singing HIS praises all day long, not complaining about how difficult things are right now. But, if there's one thing I've learned about the character of God it's that He can handle the transparencies of my heart no matter how ugly they may be, and loves me anyway.)

The main thing I'm struggling with right now is the "everydayness" of it. Giving medicine 3 times a day (which takes about 35 minutes) and trying to be normal. All the while dealing with the psychological struggles of all the other children. The whole time I've been thinking, "wow they've really done well with this." But I didn't see the secret places of their hearts. With Levi getting all this attention they have really felt jealous but afraid to tell us because they felt so guilty for feeling that way. So, now I'm trying to regain some balance. It's been harder than I thought it would be. If I correct Levi even for the smallest thing he cries and says, "you're mad at me"... If I "let things go" a little, the other kids look at me like "what's up with that?" While we were on vacation Caleb said "It's like you're not my mom anymore, all you care about is Levi." OUCH!!!!! I don't know how I expected the rest of the kids to deal with it, but I didn't expect this. Now, I find myself crying out to the Father for help through each minute in a new a way. At night when I go to bed I am absolutely exhausted from the mental anguishes of the day. I knew it would be difficult but I never estimated this aspect into the process. As a very wise man (my daddy) once told me, "You gotta keep dancin' and it's gonna be a long song." So, I'm dancin' but I don't know how to dance to this song. I know that the same God that is healing Levi's tumor can heal the broken hearts of our other children. Please pray that God would grant us the wisdom of Solomon to deal with the struggles that come with each day.

"He is my Lord; apart from Him I have no good thing.... He has assigned me my portion and my cup. He has made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me; Because He is at my right hand. I will not be shaken. Therefore, my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because He will not abandon me..."

— Psalm 16:2, 5-10

~jami~

Tuesday, June 5, 2001

We're home! We had a great time but are very glad to be back. It was an action packed week. We went to the Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdom, MGM, Sea World, Universal Studios (Islands of Adventure) and downtown Disney. Needless to say we're exhausted!!!!

I tried desperately to let everything go and forget "things" for one week. But all the families that stayed there had terminally ill children (some were healed and some were preparing to die). I felt a rapport with each mother, even if I never even talked to them. Since it was a vacation atmosphere most were laughing and playing with their family. But I knew that when it was quiet and their family was sleeping they were racked with pain like me. I couldn't help but feel each mothers pain.

Well, the long awaited MRI was yesterday. I didn't realize how stressed I was about it until Jan (our Dr) told us that it is SMALLER. My body went limp with releif. It's not a whole lot smaller but smaller just the same. (I love that word, "smaller"). That means we won't be going to Houston for now, we'll be going back and forth to South Carolina. We feel so blessed and taken care of by the Lord. I know there's a long road ahead of us but this is a morsel of much needed hope. This morning I read Psalms 30:11&12... "You turned my wailing into dancing: you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." Through it all He has clothed us in joy despite the circumstances but it's so much more today. smile. I remember reading Psalms 57:1 in the "beginning" "Have mercy on me O God have mercy on me. For in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed." I know there's more to endure, however, I feel like I can peek my head out and see the sunlight.

Praise the Lord with us!!!
Our next move is trying to be normal (not that we ever were actually normal) ha ha ha. Caleb and Jonah start their All-Star practices next week. We also are praying abut next school year. Since we don't know what the future holds for Levi's treatment we're thinking it would be a good idea to get Caleb and Jonah into a Christian school. Homeschooling through this has been impossible and I have had to totally depend on my friends Cindee, Staley and my Mom. I don't know what I would have done without their help. So, now the search is on for a Christian school that we can afford and is close by. Please pray for wisdom in this area. We really need it.

Levi is doing great! His symptoms are the same. He is still a little chubster and his eyes are slightly crossed. Yesterday, he did great with his MRI. He used to cry and go crazy when they took his blood pressure and did the pulse ox and needless to say the IV was a nightmare. But yesterday he didn't even balk at it. He cried a tiny bit with the IV but what a long way he's come. He is now a 30 year old in a 4 year olds body. He's incredible. Caleb, Jonah and Graci are so excited about the shrinking tumor!! HOPE. What a beautiful thing.!!

We love you all and will keep you posted!

~jami~

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