Wednesday, May 26, 2001

Thank you for praying. In our last update we were going to the Dr. because Levi had been running a fever. I was really nervous about it. It turns out that he probably just has some kind of virus that's going around. His blood count was good and strong. (Thank you Lord) Our next prayer is that the MRI will show the tumor to be smaller or even better, gone! Wouldn't that be COOL!!?!!! The MRI is on June 4th at 10:00 am. Until then, we're going to have some fun! We're going to Disneyworld Monday. The Make-A-Wish Foundation has planned it all for us. A Limo picks us up at our door and takes us to the airport. (smile) We'll be there for a week. We're all so excited. Every time we get in the car Levi says, "Are we going to disneyworld now?" Then, when we show up at the grocery store he starts to cry from disappointment. I can't wait to get in the limo and say NOW we're going to disneyworld. Please pray that Levi would be comfortable in the heat and his little secret dreams that he can't verbalize would come true. We'll be staying at a place called "Give A Kid The World". It's a special place made especially for Make-A-Wish kids. From what I hear it's awesome. We'll take lots of pictures!

Now, could I make a request? It's pretty selfish but I'm gonna ask it anyway. I need extra prayer. Even though I'm really excited about the trip, it's hard for me to go. When I think of "Make-A-Wish" I think of kids that have little time alive and they have a wish granted before they die. Even though I try to live in the "he's going to be fine" mode I can't help but wander over into the "these are our last days with him on earth" mode. Everyone always says, "Don't think like that, he's gonna be fine." But that's (a well intended) promise that can't be made. I feel like I have to face the possibilities. In all this I still feel surrounded by the Lord and His love and mercy. But I'm still in the deepest valley of my life. I still look at him as if it's the last time I'll see him breathing. I still wonder how much time we have, I still long for him to be the way he used to be. I still feel the pressure to remember every moment and not forget it. I'm afraid I'll forget somethiing and when it's too late I'll wish for the day when creating memories was an option. And then after I have that rush of feelings I feel guilty for not living in today more. My prayer is that we would be able to laugh, have fun... be free to live. I hope that little peek into the corner of my heart wasn't too much.

There's a song by Bebo Norman, it says ....Lord, you unfold me but then you hold me.... I am truly unfolded but He is holding me.

Thank you all for your unending support and love. We are blessed beyond measure every day by prayers, e-mails, cards, letters, phone calls, gifts, meals...... How could we ever show you how deeply we need all of you and how much we appreciate everything that you do for us. You are the rose among the thorns for us. May God bless you 10 fold.

We love you,

~jami~

Wednesday, May 24, 2001

I'm walking out the door right now to take Levi to the Dr. He has been running a fever for the last 3 days. At night it gets up as high as 103. He has been really tired and fussy. Please pray for him. I'll tell you more as I know it.

Thank you,

~jami~

Wednesday, May 16, 2001

Once again there's not much change in the medical aspect of our journey. We're still waiting for the next MRI which is at the beginning of June. After that we'll be able to see which way to go, stay in Columbia or go to Houston. If the tumor is bigger it's Houston, if the tumor is smaller we stay in Columbia.

Even though there's not much going on medically, there's a lot going on in our hearts. As I was having my quiet time this morning the Lord was really showing me His mercy... I was thinking about our whole battle with this tumor and remembering what life was like "before" it all came about. I was wondering what we would be doing if this had never happened. I'll tell you exactly what we'd be doing----The same old thing. Here's where God's mercy comes in. He knew us and how we're prone to wander away from him. Not necessarily falling into great sin but worse, walking past the Almighty without marvel and wonder. Now we see what was always true. We are completely dependent on our God. Always! We thought there was some promise that tomorrow would come just the way we would like it and the prosperity and health would continue as we planned and felt we deserved. He has been merciful to show us this. It's as if I've waited my whole life to see Him in this way. My favorite book/movie is The Hiding Place. It's a true story about Corrie Ten Boom and how she and her whole family were put into a concentration camp for hiding jews in their house... Corrie was holding her dying sister, Betsy, in her arms and Betsy looked up at Corrie and said, "When we get out of here we must tell everyone that there is no hole so deep that the hand of God cannot reach us and they will believe us because we've been here." I love that and I am so grateful that the Lord has put us in a position to testify to the length, depth and width of His love and mercy.

Also, I've been wondering how the little ones perceived God in this.... Yesterday I was driving home from the grocery store. Levi and Graci were in the back seat, we were listening to praise music. There was a song that said praise the King for he is worthy. I just happened to look in the rear view mirror and saw four tiny hands raised up in the air. They were singing along with the music. Then, Levi said, "Jesus is the King." Is there any greater joy!!!!!!!!!!!

In His mercy,

~jami~

Sunday, May 6, 2001

Well, it's been about 2 weeks since our last update. I'm sorry it has taken so long to write this up. I wish I had some incredible news that Levi is completely normal and all the symptoms are gone. But that's not the case. However, we have noticed that his eyes have started to uncross just a little bit. That's really encouraging!!!!!!! Other than that not much has changed with his little (but getting bigger) body. Since I don't have a lot to tell in that area, I'll share a little about how we're doing on a daily basis:

Jeff is working a lot while Levi, Graci and I are in Columbia. Last Monday he left the house at about 8:30 am, worked until 6:00 pm so he could go to Jonah's baseball game then the boys went home with my mom and dad, so Jeff could go back to work. He didn't get home until midnight and was back out at 6:00 am the next morning to do the same thing the next day — but it was Caleb's game this time. Hopefully, this week things at work won't be so hectic.

Caleb and Jonah are going through a time of frustration right now. They are both needing individual time with us. Before the diagnosis they would get a "night alone" once a month. Jeff would take one of them out and just hang out with him, while the other one would get to hang out with me at home, we'd get the little ones to bed and play games or rent a movie or whatever they wanted to do. They really cherished those times. It's really difficult to work that out now. The most common comment from Caleb these days is "Mom, I just need to be alone." While Jonah says, "Mom, Caleb never wants to play with me anymore."

Graci and Levi are with me bacisally 24/7. While we're in Columbia we stay with our great friends Bill and Debby Jones and their 4 really cool kids. They have totally blessed us with their kindness and love. When we're home Graci and Levi ask when do we get to go back to Uncle Bill and Aunt Debby's. That's a special gift from the Lord.

I am doing fairly well, I just feel pulled in a million directions. Life must go on and I must do what I need to do, though I'd rather stay home and be a normal family — but that's not an option right now. I hate leaving Jeff, Caleb and Jonah for so long. I miss them terribly, and long for the day we can all be together and stay together. I'm also struggling with the changes in Levi. He's grown so much he doesn't even look the same. He's so precious but he's definitely different. Sometimes I feel like I'm greiving the loss of Levi but I can't really do that because I have a new son. I know that's weird but that's the only way I can describe how I feel. As you can tell I'm starting to get tired of this. Every time I think I've got a grip on this I'm slapped in the face with a new emotion to deal with. I have an incredible urge to go into the corner and suck my thumb these days. ha ha ha. I am clinging more than ever to the fact that my heavenly Father is two things. #1 He is sovereign, he is still in full control. "Though I stand on the Rock and tremble the Rock will not shake beneath me." And #2 He is good.

I have days when I feel strong. I feel like I can face it all. But then I have weak days. Days when I'm afraid to get up in the morning because life is hard. But the good news is in 2 Corinthians 12:9&10 ...

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I know this is a contrast to my last letter. I was feeling strong and ready to face the daily aspect of this journey. Today I feel afraid and weary. The warrior is really a child but my Father holds me close.

~jami~

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