December 11, 2002

After months of preparation for speaking at a Christmas Tea...it's over. I am almost completely exhausted but so very, very honored and humbled that the Lord allowed me to be a (teeny) part of 28 women's change in eternal destiny. Now, it is my deepest desire that each and every one of those women would come to know more of their desperate need of Him. I've known Jesus for almost twenty years now and it wasn't until "the bottom" fell out that I recognized how deep my need for HIM is. Nichole Nordeman sings a song that speaks loudly to my heart: "We stutter and we stammer till You say us. A symphony of chaos till You play us, phrases on the pages of unknown till You read us into poetry and prose... we are kept and we are captive till You free us, vaguely unimagined till You dream us, aimlessly unguided till You lead us home...passed over and passed by until You claim us, orphaned and abandoned till You name us, hidden and disclosed till You expose our hearts...by Your death we live... by Your wounds we are healed..." Oh how I love Him. How my desperation for truth has taken me "places." What I have stumbled upon is amazing. I still wonder how He could love me, why He would think well of me.

The teaching He has me under right now is a hard one. I am learning to avoid self pity...oh so hard for me because I really enjoy it...to curl up in front of the fireplace with all my pictures of Levi...pictures of the past...pictures of what I can no longer hold...

It's very clear to me that a "leash" has been placed around my neck. I am no longer able to "go" to my past and "wallow" in my "have nots." The pain of it is unbearable. Maybe because I was not intended to bear it???? My Father has called me now to praise Him in my grief and sadness. He has whispered to me, "It's time to start 'dancing' on that grave." At first, I thought that was "a bit much" to ask of me. But now I see.... The deeper I go into my pit of pity the further I am from Levi. The more I praise, the closer I am to Levi. Now, I know that being close to Levi shouldn't be my reason to praise God. I'm just saying that He has brought me to this boundary line...I can't cross over it, when I come close I feel compelled to "turn tail" and run back into the safe place of my "Daddy."

I think trust has "happened." Brennan Manning put it perfectly when He said: "Often trust begins on the far side of despair. When all human resources are exhausted, when the craving for reassurances is stifled, when we forgo control, when we cease trying to manipulate God and demystify Mystery, then ---at our wits' end--- trust happens within us, and the untainted cry, 'Abba, into your hands I commend my spirit', surges from the heart." I love Brennan Manning. To me he is wise beyond the average "wise guy." You know what makes him different? He is so incredibly in touch with His need. I think he wears a leash too. He is an alchoholic who has gone from victory to defeat, defeat to victory. The Lord is using that to keep his heart on target. It is the "thorn in his flesh," it is "Jacobs limp"... mine is my broken heart. I know it is the goal of most who have such great loss to have their heart healed. But I know that will never happen. I am forever crushed. My "cheese has fallen completely off of my cracker" It is the leash He leads me with... somehow I'm grateful for it. It is my chain to His freedom....and it is good.

Now, that sounds completely victorious, I know. But the truth is I'm struggling big time. The Christmas music is heartwrenching ("I'll be home for Christmas" is almost too much for me). The decorations a painful reminder...the shopping, wondering what Levi would have liked... what would he have run to and said, "moma, this is what I really want..." I have yet to go shopping without crying the whole time. When it's late at night, everyone is sleeping, I go into the den and just look at the Christmas tree...it seems so sad and lonely without children around it... it's there, right about there that the Lord pulls on my leash and says, "okay girl that's far enough, come back to me, come back to hope, come back to where Levi is too. We're not over there in the sadness... It's at this point that I get out the worship music, turn the eyes of my heart toward the lover of my soul and lift my hands in great need...the rest is good, very, very good.

forever fumbling victoriously because of HIM,
jami

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