February 24, 2002

...finishing the thoughts...

You know what's funny? The last update was accidently sent to Mel to go on the website… We were getting ready to go out of town and I could hear Jeff upstairs walking (pacing), waiting for me to get ready. I meant to put those thoughts in my "draft box" but I guess I sent it incomplete. So, if it's o-kay I'll finish up the thought pattern I started:

As Levi got sicker his character started being developed in ways I never could have imagined. He became more and more self-less. He was more loving. He never complained. He cared so deeply about people. Good grief he was five years old, it would have understandable if he was preoccupied with himself. But he wasn't. What a great guy he was. I really, really, really liked him.

The Lord had given us a closeness that was beautiful…heavenly…spiritual. I would try to explain but instead I'll "read" you a letter I wrote to him in my journal Feb.19, 2002:

Dear Levi,

You're gone. You're just not here. I miss you so bad. We had practically become one in our last days together. I am left in a "severed state." Even worse than the physical separation is the emotional separation We understood each other so well, almost perfectly. I knew and translated every look on your (sweet, chubby) face, every twitch of your eye. And you knew my heart as well… you always knew when I was afraid or sad but trying to cover it with a smile. I could never fool you.

I miss the "knowing." you. I miss the understanding. I miss communicating without words. I miss the one heart we shared… Now I am left with only half. I love you eternally,

mommy

Remembering the special relationship we had is the latest unveiling of "missed things"… Things that he took with him…things that are no longer mine. Sometimes I feel really "ripped off" because in the last 2 months of Levi's life I met a new person (the person he had become) I met one of the most incredible people I'd ever known. I had met someone that I never wanted to live without. It was "the beginning of a beautiful friendship." But before I knew it it was over. Out of my grasp. Irretrievable…a tragic ending.

So, here I am again, trying to choose to keep the sorrow "at bay" so that it doesn't completely take me over. This "dark thread" of loss/suffering woven into my life is still a great mystery that I long to unravel but I can't. It's funny, this split in my personality: normally my athletic background makes me want to be strong, kick, fight, push through this part of my life. Kinda like the bumper sticker I saw on the back of a truck the other day, "If you can't dodge it, ram it!" But my mothers heart makes me just want to lie down, look at pictures, remember and cry. Which way do I go?

Stephen Olford said this: "Suffering is definitely a problem to be reckoned with. If the pain leads to resentment and resistance then the outcome is depression and despair. On the other hand if the pain leads me to prayerfulness and patience, then the result is maturity and victory." Paul asked/prayed over and over for his "thorn" to be removed. The answer from heaven was: "My grace is sufficient for you, My strength is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor 12:9) Levi's death is my "thorn." I asked/prayed for it to be removed (for Levi to live) but my answer was the same. And so now I live strictly by His grace in my weakness, trusting that His ways are the best…

"The Lord…is righteous; He does no wrong. Morning by morning He dispenses His justice, and every new day he does not fail." Zephaniah 3:5

"There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven… he has made everything appropriate in its time. Ecclesiastes 3:1,11

I am still praying that I would "feel" His presence more and more. It is another weakness of mine (the need to feel, that is). Oh Lord, it is my prayer that you would "capture me" again." That my heart would open wide again and I would be completely "seized by the power of Your great affection" for me.

jami

February 21, 2002

just thinking...

My updates/journals are therapy for me. But even after I have written my feelings down and I think I have "gotten it out" there is something there that I can't put my finger on, I can't express, something I missed. I'm sure there's a lot "in there" that will take years to find expression for but today I think I can see something that I have never thought of before. There's something else that I miss that I have not put on "paper..." When Levi was first diagnosed he was just a regular 4 year old (at least in how he handled the brain tumor). But as time went by he changed drastically. The sicker he became the more incredible he was. The more he suffered the more he became a "man."

February 16, 2002

The tombstone was put in yesterday. I'm confused... should I be excited? We've been trying, for 6 weeks to make all the final decisions to get it over there. Now that it's there how am I supposed to feel? It seems so final. (Probably because it is.) I'm glad there's a marker to honor Levi but it represents the verification of death. It's almost as if he didn't seem as "gone" before but now the tombstone verifies it. He's gone.
Jeff goes to the cemetary almost everyday. It makes him feel closer to Levi. Yesterday he said he had some work to do in the morning but the whole time he was working he couldn't wait to go "visit" Levi. "I just had to get there", he said. He drove into the cemetary and saw the tombstone from a distance, he parked real quick and then ran over to see...he layed down on top of Levi and cried. He said, "I just layed there remembering all the times we used to wrestle together, play together, wishing I could be with him now." He ended up laying there for an hour. Sweet, sweet Jeff. I hurt for him. I hurt when I imagine him laying on Levi's grave, crying, hurting, longing for that "one more moment." I've only been to the gravesite twice. It's so hard to go. I feel a blanket of pain fall over me when I go. I can't even begin to imagine how I'll feel when I see his name on a stone with his birthday and deathday. It's a heavy thing to see your childs name with two dates next to it.

Have you ever noticed all the "roadside memorials" there are these days? I used to wonder why people put up crosses on the side of the road. I used to think it was...well... silly. But once again I am put to shame for my harsh thoughts. Now, that I am left without Levi I understand...they do it because it's all they can do. How else can you honor someone that you loved so much and are now suddenly without? They do it because it's the place where they took their last breath on earth. It has suddenly become a sacred place. You don't normally get to choose your "sacred place." but we did. Our "sacred place" for Levi is my bed. I sleep on his "memorial" every night. I am so grateful that the Lord gave that to us. Other people have to go outside in the cold and sit on the hard ground with cars zooming by to contemplate the last breath, the last thought, the last moment here on earth. But not me. I go to my nice warm, cozy room with soft pillows and Levi's favorite blanket (the one with the silky edges). He loved our bed. Sometimes we would get home from running errands and he would run inside and just get in our bed (our bedroom is on the main floor right next to the den) He would sink into all the pillows and search the covers for the "cozy blanket" and just rub the satin edges between his fingers. He would have such a satisfied look on his face. I loved it. Even his last day here he was laying on our bed and struggling for each breath but he stretched his hand straight out towards the covers. It was his sign that he wanted me to put the silky part of the blanket in between his fingers. I can't remember but I'm sure he was holding it when he took his last breath....I wonder if there are "cozy blankets" in heaven. I hope so.

In my groping to find something of Levi to hold on to I realize that I will never be satisfied with anything here on earth. (Ofcourse, I already knew that.) What I really want I can't have right now...but there's progress in my heart: If I were given the choice I wouldn't want Levi back. If God came to me and said, "Do you want me to raise Levi from that grave to be with you?" I would say, emphatically "NO." I don't want him to come back to this sinful, fallen earth. I want to go to him (in the Lord's perfect timing) The Lord is putting in me a well thought out desire for heaven. On the days when I hurt in almost unbearable proportions and I long for Levi I think about Heaven and all its fulfillment. I remember that "better is one day in His house than thousands elsewhere." Joni Ereckson Tada says, "The art of suffering is the art of readjusting your expectations of the here and now." I am learning to expect less and less from this place. But every day I look more and more forward to Heaven. I'm not saying that I'm gonna just sit here and wait to die. NO WAY!!! My prayer is that the Lord will continuously "restore the joy of my salvation" so that I will be used to the fullest by Him to bring more and more people into His Heaven. "May He turn our hearts to Him, to walk in all His ways and keep His commands...and may these words of mine, which I have prayed before the Lord, be near to the Lord day and night, that he may uphold the cause of His servant...so that all the people of the earth may know that the Lord is God and that there is no other." I kings:59-60 May our hearts be fully committed to Him until the day we are fulfilled... satisfied in Heaven. Lord, use us. Let Your Kingdom swell to overflowing with souls that came to trust you because they saw Your faithfulness, tenderness and kindness to us in the midst of our suffering.

jami

February 9, 2002

Jeff came home yesterday and was telling me about his day. He told me how he went to Levi's grave. He told me how he had taken a valentines gift to him. He had written him a note and left it there. He got in his truck and cried and cried for an hour or so. I was broken to picture in my mind him standing over the cold ground talking to our son. I asked God the same old question I always ask, "How did we get here Lord?" Is this really our story? If I remove my family from this "story" and let it be someone else's for a minute I think, "that's so sad." But then I am sobered to think that's us. That is our life. That is our little man's body in the ground. That's us leaving valentines on the grave of a 5 year old boy. Once again I ask "how did we get here Lord?" Just a year ago our story was a beautiful one. We were the family that was the envied one. We were the story of victory. We were the "dream family." And now, we're everyone's worst nightmare. I'm my own nightmare. Once again, "how did we get here?" I not only miss Levi, I miss the dream. The perfect family. I sinfully, miss the envy of others. You know what I mean? Other people used to say to me, "You're life is so perfect. You have a wonderful husband and 4 beautiful children...." I don't hear that anymore. I hear, "I'm so sorry, everything turned out this way..." If I tell someone that I don't know about what happened to us they say, "Oh, that's so sad." And you know what I say? "Yeah, it is isn't it. You know why I say that? Because it is. It is so sad. And it's my story.

The weird thing is this: When I was in the "dream life" I had this emptiness. I wanted more. I was very in touch with the incredible blessings that the Lord had smothered us in. But it was deeper intimacy with Christ that I longed for. Two weeks before Levi was diagnosed I remember praying, "Lord, I want more of you, I want to depend on you, I want more depth..." I had no idea what I was asking for. If I did I wouldn't have asked. I guess that's why the Lord doesn't let us know what He has for us. If we knew what was coming would curl up in the fetal position and never come out. Even in my sadness and wondering I feel Him "growing me up in Him." Sometimes (o-kay, most of the time) while all was "well" in our life I would have a really hard time longing for eternal things, "storing up treasures in heaven." What did that mean? I thought it was a really cool verse but had no idea what it really meant. I have come to know that it is absolutely impossible to "long" for eternity and heaven when we are living in our own virtual heaven here with circumstances that go with our flow. You know what I mean? My heart has always had the tendency to run wild. I picture it like a kite just rolling with the wind, who knows where it might end up, probably stuck way up in some tree. Maybe crashed in a lake but it was all a mystery which way it would go... In some way Jesus lassoed my heart. He brought me back to solid ground. He held me down and said, "Jami, Focus!!" You want depth? You want intimacy? Then, come....

I have envied the intimacy that Jesus and the Father had but have all my life settled for the "pale imitation" of Christianity. The "icing on the cake" Christianity. The "blessing without sacrifice" Christianity. Madame Guyon (a sixteenth century writer) wrote this: "When you can sit before Him while everything is falling down around you...when you can come before Him and worship Him without the destraction of self then will the test of commitment begin to be established. Then will begin the true journey of the Christian Life." It's hard to imagine that the Lord would actually allow "darkness" to come into our lives. But scripture clearly tells us of His dwelling in the darkness. 1Kings 8:12 says, "The Lord said that He would dwell in the thick darkness." In Exodus 20:21 it says that Moses approached "the thick darkness where God was." What is up with that? I thought only the devil did the darkness thing. But Alan Redpath (an English writer) says, "The devil has nothing to do with this kind of dark times. God has brought us to this experience. He wants simply to replace us with Himself." That's what He wants---to empty us of ourselves only to fill us with His fullness. Francois Fenelon (in the 1600's) wrote: "God does not transform you on a bed of light, life and grace. His transformation is done on the cross in darkness, poverty and death." At the end of Job's "nightmare" he said this, "I had only heard of you before but now my eyes have seen you. (Job 42:5)

So, I am brought to the conclusion that He is bringing us to a place of "coming out" a place of finding Him on our own rather than trusting what we hear at church on Sunday. When we go through this "dark night" we can't take someone elses word that the Lord is who He says He is. No way! You have to find it out on your own. And that's the way He wants it. I picture Him motioning His hands saying. "come on, come on, now I've got your attention, come to me, seek me out, find me on your own. Don't believe everyone else, even if they're right, I want you to KNOW me on your own." That's the "narrow gate" I think. I have heard and read about that gate but I was hoping that after we walked through the gate the path would become soft and easy. Nope, it's not that way. The path is hard, crooked and dark. But He is on it with us.

The bottom line is: "Whoever shall seek to save his life shall lose it, and whosoever shall lose, or surrender, his life shall preserve it. John 12:25 My "dream life" is the lost life here. I always hoped that if I were pressed to "lose" or "surrender" my life He would find me faithful. I just never thought that I would be asked to "lose" my sons life, or my "dream life." It seems like it would be easier to be a martyr unto physical death. Then I would be with Christ. But this way I am left to contnue on this path that is dark, scary, and unknown to me. But the Lord says this in Isaiah 42:16 "I will lead the blind by ways they have not known along unfamiliar paths I will guide them: I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them..." Yet another verse to hang on to and trust Him through. May He find my heart faithful to Him. Every day is a choice. Every thought has to be brought captive to His ways. Lord, may I stand for You, my King, even in this....even this, my "nightmare come true."

I became my own only when I gave myself to another." C.S. Lewis

February 6, 2002

I am looking out the window, it's cold and rainy. I look inside my heart and it too is cold and rainy. I feel sad to the bone. I miss Levi. I miss him soooo bad. It even hurts to type his name because I see his face in my mind. It's been such a long time since I've held him, seen him with my eyes, told him that I love him and "experience" his reply. It would start with his eyes, they would say "I love you too," then his mouth would say, "I love you," and then the arm...oh, that sweet chubby arm, the one working part of his body would reach up for a hug. His hugs were priceless because they cost him so much. They took more effort than everyone else's hugs. But he never denied anyone the gift of one.

Last night I went up to do my usual "check." I had already kissed and prayed for them all but I always go back upstairs for one more "look." Every mother knows what I'm talking about. The sweetest moment in the day. The time when you look at your children while they're sleeping. They're warm, they're fed, their teeth are brushed, they're bathed and now...they're resting, dreaming, peaceful.

I stood in the hallway, looking into Levi's old room. The light from the hall was shining in on the empty bed. How I long to see him sleeping. How I long to have the hope that he will be waking up in the morning and coming down with his sleepy face and baggy pajama pants, the "bed head." Oh how I miss the mornings with him... with all of us together. The dreams of them all growing in character. I have written on the wall in their room the Knight's creed, it says in big, bold, red letters: "Live pure, speak truth, right wrong and follow the king...." I wish I had the privilege of training him a little longer. Oh to have that responsibility again...

It's been almost 7 weeks that we've lived without him. It seems like 7 years... I feel like I have been searching, rummaging, scraping for purpose. I am trying to find my "place." Who am I now? A part (a very large part) of me is gone, never to be retrieved again. I feel guilty sometimes that I hurt and feel so lonely because I have 3 other children left. Why do I feel so empty? Why can't I focus? Why can't I pour myself out on Caleb, Jonah and Graci and just be glad that Levi is in heaven and taken care of? I do pour myself out on them but there is someone forever missing. I can't look past the emptiness that is there. I try but I can't imagine that it will ever be possible to love on them at the depth that I do and not be brought to the memory of my Levi. They're a "package deal." It is impossible to love one without the other coming to mind.

Oh Lord, the rain is falling outside. It is constant today like the pain in my heart. Will you flood my heart with your love? Will you rain on me your presence? Will you come to my rescue, and when you come will you bring Levi or at least the peace of knowing that he is well. You are the only One who can bring healing to this broken heart of mine. Give me the courage I need to face the day the courage to live... It takes more than I thought just to get up in the morning.

He is "shaking" what can be shaken and what remains is who I am... Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken let us be thankful and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire." Hebrews 12:28,29. Lord, let my foundation be found in You. Let it be true of me that You are at my core. You are my core. Third Day sings a song that has become my prayer: "Take my heart and make it feel, take my faith and make it real, take my eyes and help me see all the love surrounding me. Don't let me go, hold me close to where you are, don't let me go take my heart take all of me. Take my loss and take my gain, take my trials and take my pain, take my life and let it be all that you would have for me..."

I know that I "bleed" a lot on these updates. It is my hope that someone out there that is going through a time of darkness will find comfort in these writings. Comfort in knowing that they're not going crazy or if they are they have company in me. (ha ha ha) Maybe I can be a "pioneer" in pain. I heard a quote one time that said, "You can tell who the pioneers are because they're the ones with the arrows in their backs." Hopefully my "arrows" will draw others to the knowledge of Christ and the hope of His healing.

jami

February 2, 2002

It's Saturday morning. Caleb and Jonah have baseball tryouts today. It's going to be really strange to "go back" to the baseball thing. It was at the beginning of baseball season last year that we first noticed that Levi was stumbling and closing one eye. We were at Jonah's baseball practice and Levi fell about 50 times. Graci would just help him up off the ground and then they would continue playing... sometimes I wish I could go back to that day and do it all over again. I probably wouldn't change many things, I would just want to have 9 more months with him. Nine more months of knowing he was there when I open my eyes in the morning. Nine more months to take advantage of the fact that I could hug him and hold him any time I wanted to. Nine more months to stare at him all day, watching him smile, hearing him laugh, touching him over and over again...just because I could. If I could do it all over again I would...no, I can't go there it hurts too bad and I can't go back. What's done is done. Whenever I allow my mind to take me down the cruel road of "shoulda, coulda, woulda" I spend the rest of the day hating myself for the millions of mistakes I've made in the last 5 years but didn't notice because I could always "do it over," there was always tomorrow to do a better job loving my kids. But now, my "do over" time is finished with Levi. So, I have to pray that Jesus will bring to my mind the times that I did the right thing, times that I showed him I loved him. Times that I threw away the list of things to do and went to the park, sat on the swing in the backyard, went out for ice cream... man I miss him... how he used to get so excited about the smallest things. A trip to the park was as good as Disney World to him. I love that about him. I love how he loved to sing while we drove down the road, I love how he loved to kiss us all. He would hug and kiss right smack dab on the mouth everytime. He would put his chubby hands on my cheeks, look right into my eyes, down deep into my soul and kiss me on the lips. There is no limit to what I would give for just one more of those kisses. Just one more....heaven and the chance to kiss him again seems so far away. So, for now, I'll focus on the family I have. The chances I have now. I am praying that my eyes will see the beauty of life rather than the dread of death. The cry of my heart is that I will not waste the time that has been given to me for Caleb, Jonah and Graci while grieving the time that is no longer mine with Levi. Lord, help me to "hug the living."

The other day Jonah and I were going through the "Levi box" and he picked up Levi's hat, put it on and started walking around the house with it on. He came to me and said, "Can this hat be mine from now on?" I was curious as to why the sudden interest in this hat so I asked, "Why?" He said, "So that when I die you can put it in your 'Jonah box' and cry for me." Oh Lord, how did we get here?

You know all my life as a mother I have gone through a certain grieving process. Of course it hasn't been the death type of grieving, but what I call "grief of seasons." I look back at when my children were babies. That "season" of our life is over and I miss it. I hope I made the most of it but know that if I didn't it's too late to go back and "fix" anything I've done wrong or redo any missed opportunities to love them a little more. I'm feeling that way right now. Levi is part of one of our seasons and we must go on without him. The shock of that reality is horrible...from now on our seasons will come and go without our "little man."

I guess this whole thought process is a picture of what it will be like at the end of our lives. When we stand before the Lord we will suddenly realize that "what's done is done." Will we be ashamed or wIll we confidently stand knowing that we chose the truth and loved Him? Rita Springer sings a song that goes like this: "Lord, when my life is through I hope You will be pleased with me. Whatever came my way in all that I've been through I held on to You. The voice of my Sherperd I will follow, the hand of my friend I will take. The hem of Your garments I will kiss Lord for all of my days. In the darkest time you have been my fire that I can depend, you saved me with your love and washed me with your blood and I will obey. Here I am, so in love with serving You. My desire is to please You Lord. My desire is simply to obey".... That is my prayer knowing that when we stand before the Father we will not be judged according to how much we endured but how much we loved Him through what we endured. May my life be a "bow" before my King. Lord, help us to teach our children to see Your face in everything. May all of our "seasons" be Christ filled with as few regrets as possible. Lord, turn our "dark night" of sorrow into a depth and intimacy that we have never known. Surely, You will turn our weeping into joy (John 16:20) and our mourning into dancing. (Psalm 30:11)

Graci's prayer at lunch the other day: "Father, thank you for our food...Jesus, would you whisper in Levi's ear that we love him? Amen. Yes Lord, would you do that for us?

jami

p.s. Please continue to pray for Caleb, Jonah and Graci. Their loss is unbearable at times. I see it in their eyes. Sometimes we laugh and get silly together just like we used to when Levi was here but then it gets quiet all of a sudden. We stop laughing because someone is missing... no words are needed. We all just quietly feel the pain of knowing his sweet laughter is no longer with us. We miss it but can do nothing to get it back. It's so hard.

Latest Update