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Yesterday Jeff came home from running some errands. He had gone by the funeral home to talk to them about Levi's tombstone. He walked past the room where Levi's "viewing" was. There was a casket in the same place that Levi's was. Jeff said he felt drawn in… he went closer and closer. It was an older woman. "She looked beautiful, she was about 85 years old but she had the most beautiful and peaceful look on her face." It was a weird experience. Once again, death had taken someone. This time it was someone's mom, wife, grandmother, maybe great-grandmother. Death, how cruel you are, how much I despise you. But you know what? We all have to face it. We're all gonna die. We've always known that of course, but now it's different. We had to walk Levi right up to it and then let go. We could go no further, he had to go alone. Isn't that a bizarre thought? Jeff and I taught him everything. We taught him how to walk, talk, dress, brush his teeth… but we never taught him how to die. How did he know what to do? He did such a great job. How did he become so good at something he was never trained in? When I think this way I am forced to descend down the long dark stairwell of sorrow, loss, grief, sadness… But not for long. Jesus comes to my rescue. His promises bring me back to the reality of His victory. So, now I focus on LIFE, HEAVEN (I'm sure satan hates that, and I love when he's not happy and I have something to do with it.) James Drummond Burns looked at death/life this way: he said" "I've been dying for 20 years and now I'm going to live." On his deathbed D.L. Moody said this: "Earth recedes, heaven opens before me… this is no dream… it is beautiful, it is like a trance. If this is death, it is sweet. There is no valley here. God is calling me, and I must go." Isn't that cool? Then I am left to ponder the moment Levi entered into His presence. I love this part of losing a child. The part where my mind's eye sees him walking, running, playing, worshipping, being loved on by Jesus Himself. Man, I love that!!! I wonder what it will be like for the rest of us. I wonder what we'll do first.
There's a song by "Mercy Me" (a Christian group) it goes like this:
I can only imagine what it will be like when I walk by your side,
I can only imagine what my eyes will see when your face is before me.
Surrounded by your Glory what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine… when all I will do is forever worship you… I can only imagine.
When I sing this song I am transported to that day when I am finally
at the place I was living for, longing for, made for… Ahhh
We have been trying to decide what will be written on Levi's tombstone.
It's a strange thing to think about. It's so final. It's really written
in stone. What if we change our minds? What if six months down the road
we think of something more fitting? But we have prayed about what the
Lord wants on it… I started to think about my ring, the ring Jeff
bought for me a couple of days after Levi left. It is a simple silver
ring with purple stone in it. Every time I miss Levi I look at it and
think of him as my "treasure in heaven, stored up, protected where
nothing and no one can hurt him ever again… So that's what will be
on his grave. "Store up for yourselves treasures in heaven…
for where your treasure is there your heart will be also." (Matthew
6:20,21) Oh, what a treasure we have stored up… and our hearts are
there also… LEVI LIVES will be written at the bottom so when we go
to the gravesite we will not be brought to sadness but to a longing for
the day when we will join him in eternal victory, praise, peace and joy.
In 2 Samuel it tells about David and his sadness when his son was sick. It says, "David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted… he spent his nights lying on the ground and would not get up… on the seventh day the child died. The servants were afraid to tell him, how can we tell him he might do something desperate." David found out. And he got up from the ground, washed, changed his clothes and went into the house of the Lord and worshipped. He then went home and ate.. His servants were shocked. They asked, "Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!" I love David's response: "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept, I thought, 'who knows?' The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live. But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again?" And then here's my favorite part: "He will not return to me, but I will go to him." YES,YES, YES!!! We will go to him and once again, we can't wait.
I woke up sad today... missing Levi, wondering what he's doing right
now. I woke up wishing I could hold him just one more time. I imagined
holding his chubby body, our faces cheek to cheek. I remember thinking
every time I held him, "I wonder how much longer I get to do this?
I wonder if I'll be able to remember what he feels like".... I imagined
what it was like to have him, the "trouble of him," I would
get up in the morning go down stairs and have time with the Lord, seeking
the scriptures, inviting the Holy Spirit to come... to show me how to
allow the spirit of Christ to live in me…to love Jeff and my children
through me. How else could I love them properly? Next, I would get on
the treadmill and run, pray, think…a million different thoughts.
I would have to have a pencil and paper close by so that I could jot down
some of the things swimming around in my mind....when Levi woke up I would
then go upstairs and begin "the process." Oh, how I miss it!!!
How could I have ever complained? What a fool!!! I'd get all the medicine
together and give them in the right order. He knew the schedule. The antioxidant
powder first. After that he would (every single morning) point to the
tub. He was right—it was "time." I would pick up his sweet,
70 lb body, limp and unable to help. I would take him to the tub and sit
him up just right so he could sit up without falling. He would remind
me of the next step of the day: the carrot apple juice, I would go make
it and get "the" straw. They (Graci and Levi) would drink their
juice and talk and play for sometimes an hour. That was their special
time together (Graci has "tub crayons" and draws Levi there
now). It breaks my heart to see her "playing" with and talking
to the stick man drawn on the wall of the tub. We miss him so much. We
miss our routine with him in it…the routine would go on every day
almost identical to the day before. How I miss the sameness that I once
complained about…
I don't always let myself "go there" but today I indulged myself
for just a little while. but now I have to retrieve my heart. I have to
force myself to see today. To live in the now. I admit it is so hard because
Levi is not here in today. He is in yesterday. How does one live this
way? How does one learn to look forward? I long for understanding in this
drama that has unfolded in our lives. But in the last month I have seen
that I might never have that. So, I am left to trust the Lord without
it. He never said we would understand. Did Joseph understand why his brothers
sold him into slavery? Did Moses understand why he was suddenly living
in the desert when he was a prince in Egypt the day before? Did Job understand
why his whole family was killed and all he owned destroyed? Surely they
were as "shocked" as we are. Surely they had a million questions
and a longing for some explaination just like we do. But that's just too
bad—they didn't get one and neither will we. Not right now anyway…
I love what Job said when his wife said, "Are you still hanging on
to your integrity? Curse God and die!" Job said this: "You are
talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?"
Wow, he really had a grip on what it meant to trust God in the darkness
without understanding. (But I do wonder if he thought, "God, why
didn't you take her too, she's getting on my nerves? I know Jeff has thought
the same about me...) I have praised God in the light of His blessings.
Now, I must learn to praise Him in the darkness. I remember being on a
mission trip in Dominican Republic (15 years ago). We were worshipping
in an old church with no windows, it was about 105 degrees, the mosquitos
were eating me alive… I was thinking to myself, "I am so uncomfortable
I can't worship. I can't focus on the Lord because I am so frustrated
with these lousy circumstances… then I looked at the old woman next
to me. She was barefoot, her toes were mangled and ugly from years of
working in the fields, there were flies around the open wounds. She had
an old dirty dress hanging on her very thin frame. As my eyes moved up
from her feet to her hands I was put to shame… she was passionately
praising her God with broken and overworked hands, raised as an offering,
tears streaming down her cheeks with adoration for the Lord… I admired
her. I knew I could only dream of becoming a woman of such character and
obedience. Now, is my chance to praise Him in my brokeness. May He give
me the strength to be a fraction of the woman I saw that day.
I am trusting Jesus to make this tragedy into something beautiful beyond
imagination..."He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has
also set eternity in the hearts of men, yet they cannot fathom what God
has done from the beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11. Oh Lord,
let it be...may Your beauty be revealed in us. May your plan be fulfilled
in us. "May we not despise or oppose what we do not understand."
(William Penn)
jami
It's raining...again. I woke up thinking about Levi's gravesite...again.
Cold, lonely, wet. I wish I could get over that. I have to keep saying
to myself, "he's not there, he's not there, he's not there..."
Sometimes I think I'm starting to heal. I think I will have a "normal"
day, a day without crying. But then the grief, the sorrow will sneak up
behind and choke me. It's a strange feeling, it starts in the center of
my body and then shoots out to the rest of my body and leaves my hair
standing on end. I never knew that grief was something you felt physically.
I am learning that I can choose whether or not I will drown in my deep
sadness or reach to Christ for help, encouragement, purpose. I am still
going through a time of numbness. I can't really feel anything except
pain, and that, I feel quite completely. The only time I can "feel"
is when I worship. The Lord really has me 'over a barrel' because at times
the last thing I want to do is praise Him but if I want to "feel"
alive I have to. When Levi was so close to death and breathing with such
difficulty, I knew (as much as I could grasp it) that he would die soon
if the Lord didn't heal him really quickly. I was on my knees next to
him on the bed and the scripture that came to mind was in Job 13:15: "Though
You slay me , yet will I praise You." I just kept saying it over
and over again. Now, before you think,"Wow, she's so spiritual,"
let me tell you this: I think if I were to search the motives of my heart
I would find that I was manipulating God. As if to say "Look, I'm
praising you at my darkest hour so wouldn't it be appropriate for you
step in and heal him to reward me for my faithfulness?" But the bummer
is that you can't manipulate someone who knows your heart better than
you do...
When Jeff and I got married we were planning to go overseas and be fulltime
missionaries, but we had babies really quickly (got pregnant 5 weeks after
we were married) so we waited for the Lord's direction. After seeking
and praying we knew the Lord was calling us to be "missionaries"
to our children.... a long time ago missionaries would pack all their
belongings in a coffin, knowing that they would probably be killed. Their
friends and family would come to see them off and say, "how foolish
to go away knowing that you will die." Their response was, "Oh
no, we've already died." …of course insinuating that they had
died to themselves to live for Christ. So, with that in mind I am brought
to these questions, "Did I die, or am I dying?" "Will I
be soft clay on the potter's wheel or will I allow myself to become cold
and hard, unmoldable?" Why waste Levi's life and death? We've come
this far, so come on Lord, take my hand and let's push on through...but
it's gonna have to be ALL you, Lord. I am worthless, fearful, whimpy...damaged
goods. The only thing I have going for me is desperation for You to "use"
me to the fullest. Lord, would you fill me, heal me, change me, give me
the grace to recieve Your "call"? Most of all would you help
me to live with the mindset that Levi is not in my past, he's in my future?
I think I can make it if I look at it that way...Charles F. Kettering
said: "We should all be concerned about the future (heaven in this
case) because we will have to spend the rest of our lives there."
I can't wait!!
jami
I look outside at the trees and the grass, the leaves left over from the Fall…they're all still, completely still, theres no wind, no rain, no movement. That's strange to me. How can the world around me be so calm and still when there's a storm raging in my soul right now… I think it's a control issue. I am mourning the loss of (the sense of) control in my life. I have spun and am spinning. I feel useless and totally without power. How could we have let him slip through our fingers, he was here and now he's not, we dropped him, we lost him…the trees and the wind have learned something that I haven't grasped yet. Surrender. I feel the need for control, I want some "say-so", some part in the final decision, I want my life back, I want the hope of healing, I want Levi back…
Yesterday we were driving down the road listening to praise music…suddenly out of the back seat Graci said, "he just ran away," I was shocked, I turned around and said, "who?" she never looked up, she just said, "Levi… he just ran away." My heart sank; it was broken for her loss and lack of understanding. "Oh no, sweetie he had to go, the body he had here was broken so he had to go and get another one that works better." She quickly came back with, "Nope, he just didn't want me anymore." I started to have a feeling of panic in my heart, I wanted to help her to understand. So, quickly I came back with, "No, no, no, Levi loves you so much, you are so special to him!!!", but she wasted no time, she knew exactly how she felt about this. She said, "If he loved me he'd come back to me"… I was defeated in my struggle to comfort her. I continued to tell her that Levi loved her and didn't choose to leave her but the expression on her face told me that she was sticking with the "actions speak louder than words" thing that I've always told her….
Oh Lord, what do I do with that? What do I say? How do I comfort when I am drowning in sorrow myself? I'm not only out of control of my life, I'm out of control of my children's lives too… God, why didn't you heal Levi? You say that if we have the faith of a mustard seed we can move mountains…surely we had that much faith…why didn't you move our mountain??? I don't understand…we prayed, we battled, we prayed and prayed and prayed…help me to rest in Your presence, help me to sit still, accept this burden, receive what you have entrusted to us. I want to be more like you Jesus, but joining You in Your suffering – I never fully understood what that entailed (and still don't). But as far as I can see right now, it means surrender. That used to sound so easy. But that was before it meant sacrificing my son. When C.S. Lewis' wife was sick and dying of cancer his priest/pastor said, "It's good that you have faith and pray. That will help you get through this." Lewis responded, "I pray because I don't know what else to do, I pray because I'm desperate. It doesn't change God, IT CHANGES ME." That's the bottom line, isn't it? I'm not going to change God's mind, but He's going to change my heart. Once again, sounds so easy…it's not…
I think it would be a little more tolerable if I could feel Him, sense His presence. I can't. I know He is here, I know He is right by my side, but it's a vague feeling. It's right there just one step before the abandonment feeling…so I ransack the scriptures for understanding, for some word that will help me to KNOW Him and His ways a little better…"Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation…" (Psalm 5:1,2)
I'm waiting…my hope is in You, show me your ways, guide me in truth…
jami
A
Memory to Share...
My mom has kept a journal for as long as I can remember.....I
learned from her that time goes by quickly and our minds can't keep up
with all the great things that the Lord does so it's a good idea to write
it down.....She never actually told me that I just watched her......she
was looking back in her journals and enjoying the happenings of Levi and
told me about this special moment........One afternoon PaPa (my dad) took
Caleb and Jonah to burger king. When Levi found out about this unwise
decision on PaPa's part he reprimanded him saying that "burger king is
not a good place for our family to eat, it's bad for you!!! Later on that
day we were leaving to go home and everyone was piling into the car. Levi
was getting in the car and had a quick change of heart. He turned around
and ran back into the house. He had rethought the "chastening" he had
given PaPa and didn't want him to feel bad) so he found him and said,
"PaPa, I love you and I like you too." he then turned and ran back to
get in the car......sweet, sweet little man, how did you get to be such
a kind, thoughtful, tender little man?
Anyway....I figured since you have joined us in our grief you should have
the pleasure of knowing the memories too!!!!!
WHAT IS A MAN? A
"REAL" MAN?
In my years of living as a woman I've come up with some staunch thoughts
on what a real man is. When I was a little girl I thought of a man as
someone who had facial hair. (That was true in some cases.) But now after
many years of silently watching the world and the definition of a man
that has been so carelessly created through weakness and ignorance I have
come up with my own definition, my own ideas. The world says that a man
is "strong" so he doesn't cry or show any sign of tenderness.
But to me a "real" man cries. He is not afraid to show the passions
in his heart. He is not a coward hiding behind the lie that he is too
strong to break. A "real" man is transparent with his weaknesses.
Only the bravest of men actually talk openly about the fears and shortcomings
of their character. The world says that success is determined by the amount
of money he makes and the size of his house , the number of "toys"
he accumulated in his lifetime, the amount of money he has hidden in his
safe. But I dare say that those who hold so tightly to the things of this
world are fools. And I can say that because the Lord said it! "What
does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his soul?"
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that "stuff" will
lose its value and can be forever lost, ruined. But the soul of a human
goes on without end. A "real" man would give away all he owns
to be with his family and friends if he had to. A real man stays home
from work because his wife just needs to be with him. A real man listens.......and
then, (if needed) he talks.........a real man "falls" and then
gets back up. A real man knows that success has nothing to do with money
and things but everything to do with people, love and the pursuit of becoming
the man God has intended him to be.
A "real" man loves Jesus and clings to his word desperately searching for the guidance that is there to lead his family. A "real" man "eats quiche" because he doesn't worry about what others think, his mind and heart are fully surrenderd to the Lord. He performs to an audience of ONE. He serves his wife and children instead of expecting to be served. He doesn't keep a record of all the shortcomings of his loved ones. He hardly ever notices others' weaknesses because he's too busy checking out his own. A real man tells his wife she's beautiful everyday even though the signs of aging are rapidly changing her looks (sometimes she looks in the mirror and says "who's that old lady and where's the beautiful girl my husband always talks about?"). A real man is burdened for his children's future. A real man changes poopie diapers. A real man does dishes and laundry. A real man disciplines his children knowing that it will save their souls in the end. A real man has bad days. A real man pursues his children and the hidden treasure that lies deep within their hearts. A real man prays face down. A real man is constantly making sacrifices for his family. A real man makes the road rise up to meet his wife......You know how I know what a real man is? I'm married to one.
[1/13/02 As I read over my observations of a "real man" I realize that I could have made a big mistake by making others feel inadequate. I was just playing around with my thoughts toward Jeff and how he has been a shining example of a godly man. But when I saw it on the web page I thought of my dad, my brothers (David and Dicky), Chris (my brother-in-law) and Mel, all of which I consider incredible men who have impacted my life by their character and love. In no way did I intend to make any other man feel unworthy to be called a "real man." It might not be necessary to say this but I have to, for my own peace of mind. Let the record show that I, in my lifetime have had the rare blessing of being loved, respected and even cherished by some pretty incredible men who have in turn helped me to see that "The Man of all Men" (my Heavenly Father) is loving, true, compassionate and gentle...]
RANDOM THOUGHTS…
As I walk through my new life of learning to live without Levi I am much
more sensetive to "never again moments" I didn't notice until
I had lost my chance to make moments. My time is "up." I have
had my last moments with my "little man." I will never again
be given the opportunity to pull over on the side of a busy road just
because he needed a hug. I will never get to say, "Hey, ya want to
go get an ice cream cone, just you and me?" (but surely there's ice
cream in heaven?????) I will never get to sing him songs and tuck him
in at night. I will never again go in the bathroom after him and have
to wipe the toilet seat and turn the light off because he forgot (and
I used to complain).....never again.....I've developed the last roll of
film with him in the pictures. I've washed his last load of dirty clothes.
I've made his bed for the last time, I'll never hear him say, "hey,
my tooth fell out!!!!!!" (He was so looking forward to losing his
teeth like his big brothers) . I'll never cut his hair again. I'll never
put sunscreen on him at the pool. I'll never cut his fingernails and toenails,
I'll never clean his ears ( he used to bring me Q-tips and lay his head
on my lap, he never said a word, he never had to) I'll never give him
a bath and I'll never scratch his back....and there are a million more
"nevers". Everything is different now. No matter what I do I'm
wondering, have I done this since Levi left?
The day I gave birth
to Caleb I began to dream big dreams for him. Then Jonah, then Levi, then
Graci. It's what a mom does, she dreams for her children. How do I stop?
All through the day I think of a million different thoughts and wonderings
about each of them. How do I cut it off for him? I know that all his dreams
are completed in heaven but what do I do about my way of thinking here
and now? I know I will learn but I kinda don't want to. I like dreaming
for him. I like seeing him as a man (in my mind) I like to envision our
family picture in 10 years with him in it. I have prayed for all my childrens
spouses since they were born. What will become of Levi's wife? There's
some girl out there who will never know what she missed. I know that God
doesn't make mistakes. His plans are not thwarted. If Levi is not alive
today it's because God never intended him to live past five years old.
I find comfort in that......but my mind is a little slow on those kinds
of things. I can't just turn my way of thinking off. I have to re-learn.
And I'm a slow learner......
Here's a cool thought: Levi was my only C-section. And I have always hated
that scar. Not that anyone would ever notice it "but I did and it
feels funny and it kinda pokes out in an ugly way"......that was
before ....now it's my badge of honor. It's"the mark" that God
gave. It's a sweet keepsake that will be with me for as long as I live
in this body. I think that's cool that God knew five years ago that I
would someday love this old scar, even need it. It was a gift disguised.
Thank you Jesus. You are good.
I hang tightly to this verse: "There is hope for a tree, if it
is cut down, it will sprout again"....Job 14:7 Someday I will
see its truth more clearly, but for now I just hold onto it waiting for
the day when life truly grows in the place in my heart reserved just for
Levi...... I will never completely heal – I know that in some ways
I will grieve my loss of him for the rest of my life. I trust that Jesus
will walk me through that, one day at a time using it to increase my desire
to see His Kingdom come and Levi along with it.
Sometimes I wonder if a day will ever go by that I don't cry. I've noticed
that since Levi has gone I cry differently. There are more tears. Not
only because I cry more but literally, more tears come out and they're
big tears. It's really strange. Surely the Lord does "bottle"
each tear...... "There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the
mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than 10,000
tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition
and of unspeakable love." (Washington Irving) I wince when I read
the part in that quote about power because that's the last thing I feel
in myself. It's His power, NOT mine. I've never felt weaker than I do
right now.......
jami
p.s. I went to the grave site yesterday. It was the first time since we buried him. I had a friend with me but if I had been alone I could have easily fallen apart. It was strange. There's no headstone yet so you can hardly tell where his body is. I was looking around at all the other grave sites....they all had these beautiful headstones, flowers, notes......I almost felt like maybe Levi felt unloved because he didn't have anything on his gravesite. I thought to myself, "We've got to get some "stuff" out here so everyone will know how much we love him." Is that the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard of? What's wrong with me?
Jeff has lots of incredible gifts …expressing the plethora of goodness in his heart is not one of them (I say that not as an insult but as a compliment because I underestimate how precious his heart is because he can't show the treasure hidden within). Every time he tries to put to words his feelings he is left unsatisfied with what comes out. But the other day we were talking about how we feel and trying to "get out" the pain trapped within. This is what he said: "You know in the movie 'It's A Wonderful Life' when George came home and his little girl, Zuzu was sick in bed? And remember when she showed her daddy her flower? And then the pedals of the flower broke and fell off? Do you remember what she said to her daddy?" …She said so simply, so beautifully, "Daddy, please fix it, please fix my flower!" Through tears Jeff said, "That's how I feel." The psalmist couldn't have said it better. That's it! That sums it all up. Oh Daddy God, Please fix our flower!"
Right now in this part (I hate words like 'phase' or 'process'; they make me feel like a machine and not a person) of the journey the fight for the day is the "battle of the longings." My longing is for Levi. I look at pictures and desperation to touch him comes over me. It is the deepest desire I have ever felt in my life. It takes me over like a flood and it is left unfulfilled. I touch his empty clothes and try so hard to remember what he felt like in those clothes. I remember every time I put his little man underwear on …with all four of them… I would get them out of the tub and put their underwear on and they would run because they would know that I was about to squeeze their little bottoms and say "Cutie patootie!" I know that sounds so goofy but it's what I did. I miss that! I miss him running and acting like he was trying to get away from me but loving it when I would catch him, hug him, squeeze him. Have I ever wanted anything more than I want to hold him now?…
…I remember how Jesus met all of our needs and longings as we walked through the nightmare of the brain tumor. At that time it was the "longing" of my heart to know Him more intimately. To know Him as fully as possible this side of heaven. I knew I would never make it if I didn't pursue Him and His ways (and as always He pursued me more than I pursued Him) But now Levi is on the "other side" and I miss him… I miss him, I miss him, I miss him!!! ….And the truth is that my longing for Levi seems to be greater than my longing for the Lord. I guess what I really want is for things to be the way they used to be. And I am comforted to know that Job felt the same way…He said: "How I long for the months gone by, for the days when God watched over me. Oh, for the days when I was in my prime, when God's intimate friendship blessed my house, when the Almighty was still with me and my children (all of them) were around me." (Job 29:2,4,5). I know the Lord is here. I know a little more each day that He never left me. But, oh how I miss the "good ol' days." The days when I could have it "all." But I can't. The other day I overheard Graci and Sydney (my niece) playing. Out of the blue Sydney said, "I wish Levi didn't die." (Sydney's heart is so tender) and Graci (who is a little more brash) responded by saying, "but he did Syd." How can she be only three years old and so keen to the hard facts of life. [Maybe because she dreams about Levi almost every night. She is "rejuvenated" each night by play time with Levi, in her dreams. (I am jealously waiting for my dream)]… I remember all the times that I have told my kids, "Life is hard and it only gets harder as you get older"… I guess she's been listening a little too intently…
Oh Lord, life IS
hard and even cruel at times. But you are not. You are kind and loving.
Please give me the strength and wisdom to separate the two. I never expected
life to be easy. We knew the day we chose to follow You that we would
endure incredible hardships. We knew that Satan would "go for"
our children. We knew it!!!! We knew that we would never be the "all
American" family in pursuit of the "all American" dream
because Satan was "on us" trying to push us to the point of
cursing God and giving up!!! Help us to put it "in his face"
that we stand on truth. We will not cower under pressure!! (only because
You give us the strength). We will "rejoice though now for a little
while we have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come
so that our faith — of greater worth than gold which perishes even
though refined by fire — may be proved genuine and may result in
praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed" (1 Peter
1:6,7) (I've always loved those verses…but now they are written in
the blood that flows from my broken heart.) Oh Father, restore us. Make
us strong, firm and steadfast. Sweep this distance away, hold me close
to your face. Help us to "be careful, and watch ourselves closely
so that we do not forget the things our eyes have seen or let them slip
from our hearts as long as we live. We will commit to teach them to our
children and to their children after them…" (Deut 4:9)
Amen
It's a rainy Sunday morning. I woke up at 4:00am with that "hollow" feeling. Weather affects me in big ways now. Because now I think about Levi's grave site and how cold and lonely it is there. I haven't been there since he was buried but I can see it in my mind very clearly. I know his spirit is not there but I am still confined to seeing him in the body that he had while he was here. It's all I've ever known, it's the "shell" that I fought to keep but lost, sometimes I wish I could have just kept his body here at home so I could hold what's left of him here on earth… I'm desperate to "feel" him. To touch him.....
Levi had been asking since June, "When is it gonna snow again?" so the snow this year was really hard. I kept wishing I could dress him in the "layers" like I usually do when it snows. You know, 4 shirts, 2 pairs of pants, 3 pair of socks, boots, a big jacket, hats, gloves.....the whole nine yards. Preparing for 30 minutes to make the yearly snow man...then five minutes after they all get out there they come back in throw all their wet clothes on the floor in front of the door, run to sit in front of the fireplace and say, "wow, that was fun but it sure is cold out there"......He used to get so excited about the smallest things. I miss that. I miss his goofy little run, the way he threw his head back when he laughed, the way he played with Caleb, Jonah and Graci. I would give ALL I own to see his face laugh just one more time.....
...today it's raining and I remember how he loved the rain. In the Summer when a big rain would start he would beg me to go out and run in the rain, play in the puddles. All our neighbors would come out and watch as all our kids would just "go crazy" together in the rain. It had kinda become a ritual. What a sweet memory. What a painful realization that I will never see Levi play in the rain again (here). I wonder if there's rain in heaven????
...I now have a "Levi box". It's a box of pictures, his green corduroy golf hat, a T-shirt that he wore the day before he died (it still has carrot apple juice that he spilled on it), the anointing oil that I can smell that immediately brings my mind to see him. I also have a dirty towel that he used the day before he died. It still smells like him (I will never, never wash it). I also have a pair of his little boxer shorts in there, they're so cute and small.....and his broviac, the line to the main artery in his heart (that sweet little heart that I learned to appreciate each beat of....) that they took off of his body before they put him in the casket. So, now when I miss him really bad and I just need to remember I take my box and cherish every memory, thought, smell........It hurts so bad but I can't "not remember" does that make sense? I have an "incurable wound" and I'm just trying to get used to living with it.
One battle I am fighting
now (along with many others) is learning to be grateful for five (too
short) years with Levi instead of being angry for not getting the usual
60 plus years that we think is a guarantee.
But the biggest battle that I have rocking my existence right now is the
lack of Gods presence. During the funeral I felt carried by the Father.
I was okay. But the day after the funeral I felt as if the spirit of the
Lord left me.... I have been angry at the Lord for this. ------"How
could you leave me when I need you the most?" "I need to 'feel'
you here with me and you're nowhere to be found"......But I'm learning.....In
Philippians 3:10 it says, "I want to know Christ and the power of
his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming
like Him in his death".....There you have it! When Christ was crucified
He said "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" I feel that
"forsaken" thing. (Not that my anguish can come remotely close
to what Christ endured on the cross, He has shown me one corner of it)
It's almost as if the Lord has allowed me to feel the empty, separated,
abandoned despair that is hell so that I would be more passionate for
the "lost." So that I would not be hesitant to speak the truth
about the ways of salvation. How could I hold back the truth of His Love
when I have felt the rejections, loneliness and eternal longings that
there are in hell?
In my disappointed hope I have been forced to look at God in a new way. All the "feel good" stuff is useless. I have to ask myself with more sincerity than ever before, "Do I really believe that God will do as he says? Can I truly hope in the Lord? "You never know what you believe until it's a matter of life and death"...(C. S. Lewis) Can I "wait" on Him? The word "wait" in Isaiah 40:31 means "to literally bind together by twisting." Hope is waiting, and anticipating God's promises being fulfilled and while we wait we are binding, twisting, braiding together, becoming one with God......I am still living in the "dark night of my soul" but I know He has not forsaken me. It's just different now. I am forced into "naked faith," (faith that doesn't depend upon feelings.) It's a totally new concept for me. And I must say that I do not agree with God's timing on this. I think it would be best if He lavished His presence on me. But as I already know His ways are not ours....some day I will see clearly that this way is best. But today I am forced to trust Him at a new level. I just keep reminding myself that...."He is using sorrow to stretch out a bigger place for joy to come in later".....and...."He who cannot endure the 'bad' will not live to see the 'good'" (Yiddish proverb). So, I'm just living. That's all, nothing more. Just waiting to see the "good" that I am confident the Lord is bringing. Lord, help me to be strong and of good courage, I desperately search for your faint whisper. I say along with Job, "Though you slay me, yet will I trust you...(Job 13:15)
"The bottom
line is, the further removed our faith is from resting on our feelings
and our sight, the closer we are to true faith in God." (Chuck and
Nancy Missler)
I must admit I don't like all this "non-feeling" stuff but I guess I'm not supposed to.......please pray for us we need it more than ever. And please don't stop writing..... Sometimes the encouragement that comes over the Internet and through the mail is what helps us get out of bed in the morning. Your words of love and wisdom are priceless to us. I truly believe that He personifies His arms of love through each of you. Someone asked me the other day, "Do you actually read all of those e-mails and letters you get?"...... my response: "Are you kiddin'? I savor each one of them. When we come home from being out someplace Jeff and I almost race to the computer to see if anyone wrote (even if it's just someone saying, "I don't know what to say." We feel linked in arms because we are confused too!) When I go down to have my quiet time I can't wait to see what God is doing in the lives of others, it gives purpose to our pain. You could never know how Christ's love is poured out on us through your thoughts, prayers and writings. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.......
jami
"For the Lord is Good and His love endures forever, He's a faithful God to all generations For the Lord is Good and His mercies will not Fail us, they are new each day. Lift your voice and say The Lord is Good!" I lift my eyes to the hills for where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth. The Lord is my keeper the shade on my right hand. The Lord is my keeper from this time forth and forever more......I find myself constantly saying words like these. They are the only light on my path these days. I am at a point that I have never been. I feel myself questioning the Lord. I feel myself wondering if He really loves me. The pain in my heart can do nothing but question. Lord, do I trust you? What are you doing? I am racked with pain...In my earthly way of thinking love is not so hard. Love "feels" better than this....so now more than ever I am pushed to ponder the "ways" of God. I am at a place of seeing how helplessly dependent I am on Him. There's no way I could have truly understood that before..... You just don't "get it" until you watch your child take his last breath and there you are just watching. His body is lifeless and losing its color before your eyes and what do you do? NOTHING!!!!!!!!!! You know why you do nothing? Because it's all you can do..... What a rude awakening to how ridiculously weak we are as human beings.... worthless..... I am nothing.....My heart grows restless in my search for significance in this pain and loss.....It's a strange "brotherhood" the bond between sorrow and joy.... The loss and the hand of God finding my life worthy of such "pressing," molding, changing. But I find that I am a creature of habit and the habit I had formed was one of comfort and even a "health and wealth" theology. What happened? Yesterday the sky was blue and clear, faith flowed like a river and today the sky is gray and unclear my faith is thin and breakable..... Stephen Curtis Chapman sings a song that "works" for me these days...."Pain falls like a curtain on the things I once called certain and I have to say the words I fear the most...."I just don't know" and the questions without answers come and paralyze the dancer (us) so I stand here on the stage (that is life) afraid to move, afraid to fall. Oh, but fall I must....on this truth that my life has been formed from the dust.....God is God and I AM NOT...I can only see a part of the picture He's painting......He is great and Holy and I will cling to that.
Edwin Markham said this: "Defeat may serve as well as victory to shake the soul and let the glory out. When the great oak is straining in the wind, the boughs drink in new beauty, and the trunk sends down a deeper root on the windward side. Only the soul that knows the mighty grief can know the mighty rapture. Sorrow comes to stretch out spaces in the heart for joy." In other words without hard times and pressing, even times of near defeat we stagnate and die....."no greater failure can there be than to waste the daily opportunities God grants us. Opportunities which, once squandered, can never be retrieved. God gives only today, this hour, this moment"....... "The clock of life is wound but once and no man has the power to tell just when the hand will stop on what day---or what hour. Now is the only time you have so live it with will. Don't wait until tomorrow, the hands may then be still." (Author unknown)...Even as I type these words I feel incredibly fragile so don't think for one moment that I am strong.....I am weak and on the verge of crumbling. As a matter of fact, I never knew that a person could be this close to destruction without actually dissolving. If it weren't for family and friends I think I would die of a broken heart. I guess that's right where the Lord wants me. But I must say that this is the last place I want to be........I am clay....dull, lifeless clay, waiting to see what beauty could possibly come out of me...............
jami