July 22, 2002

Conversations with a three year old...

Last night Caleb and Jonah spent the night with their "Mama" and "PaPa," Jeff went to the driving range to hit some golf balls and Graci and I just "hung out" together. At first we were going to play golf together but we couldn't find a golf ball. So, we played golf with a baseball (we have plenty of those). Then, we "bagged" the golf clubs and just started to toss the ball a little. Graci has a great little arm so I said, "let's get the gloves out." I started to teach her how to throw properly..."Graci, step with your left foot and throw with your right arm"... before long I was rolling, laughing at her "form." She could not seem to step and throw at the same time. She and I were donkey laughing, then all of a sudden she looked at me and said, "You know Jesus and Levi are watching us..." So, I said, "Really? what do you think they are thinking?" Her response was, "Well, I think they're playing together and laughing at us..." Ahhh what a sweet thought...

After the baseball thing turned out to be a bust we decided to lay down a blanket and look up at the sky. The sun was going down and the sky was turning pink, purple, and blue. It was beautiful. The colors and clouds were changing so quickly that we would close our eyes and count to ten and when we opened our eyes again the colors had already changed... finally we opened our eyes and the "pink" was all the way up the hill and we could hardly see it so we got up and ran up the (street) to see if we could "catch" it. We did. When we got to the top of the hill it was there. Graci said, "We caught it, now lets go home, it's getting dark." So, we walked back down the hill and sat across the street from our house and just looked at it. We just sat there and remembered what that house was like when Levi was there. We were "going over" memories. Then out of the blue Graci put her little hands on my face, pushed my hair back, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm sorry Mom." ---- "I'm sorry Levi's not here anymore." Sweet little angel of mine... sweet little gift of God that I so desperately love...

It's been more than 7 months since Levi left and Graci has changed drastically. I was thinking, If Levi were to come back right now, I think he would really like her and the person that she has become because of his "leaving." I know I do.

Oh how grateful I am for her. How grateful I am for my family... for so long now, I've been "deaf to anything but the shriek of my own heartache." But I'm starting to hear and see other things. I'm starting to have a grateful heart rather than a "slighted heart." There is still so much for my ailing heart to learn but for now gratefulness is the "lesson for the day." Being grateful for my "unanswered prayers" for Levi to live is hard. But surely it is right! Henry Nouwen wrote this about the spiritual work of gratitude:

"To be grateful for the good things that happen in our lives is easy, but to be grateful for all of our lives--- the good as well as the bad, the moments of joy as well as the moments of sorrow, the successes as well as the failures, the rewards as well as the rejections--- that requires hard spiritual work. Still, we are only grateful people when we can say thank you to all that has brought us to the present moment. As long as we keep dividing our lives... we cannot claim the fullness of our beings as a gift of God to be grateful for. Let's not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see in it the guiding hand of a loving God."

...and Job said, "If we take happiness from God's hand, must we not take sorrow too?" (Job 1:10) Why was that verse so much easier to read when we had Levi here with us? Why wasn't I more grateful for our complete family when I had it? Why am I profoundly sad when I see a bicycle sitting in the yard with no "little one" in sight? Why does a bright red ball sitting motionless in the street break my heart so deeply? Why didn't I notice this sadness before? Because I hadn't learned what it meant to be grateful, yet. It has taken these things to arouse my selfish heart to sit up and take notice... there is sooooo much to be grateful for. Loss has taught me this and surely the hand of my loving Father is at the bottom of this incredible lesson...

I say along with Brennan Manning: "Father, Thank you for the four seasons, for each glorious day of sunshine, and most of all for the gift of the Unsetting Son, Jesus Christ, who by His death and resurrection has set us on the road to glory."

Fumbling victoriously,
jami

July 19, 2002

It's been quite a while since I've written. My lack of writing is not because I haven't wanted to or certainly not because I haven't had anything to say. It's just that busyness has been the medicine of choice lately. If I keep moving the pain can't catch me. Of course that only lasts so long before I wear out and the truth is always there waiting. Then I am forced to face the brokeness of my heart and the fact that some things break and can be fixed but then other things (like my heart) will never be fixed. It will forever be damaged...

I was remembering some of the sweet things Levi said and did while he blessed this earth with his life. I remember the day a friend of mine came over for a visit. Levi didn't really know her. But for some reason he just "took to her" right away. He sat in her lap and just stared at her. He talked to her the whole time she was here, he was "smitten," I guess you'd say. Then, he looked at her and said, "Remember when I didn't know you?" She replied, "Yes, I do." Then, sweet little man said, "That was soooo sad." He was only four years old but he knew the sadness of being without someone you love. He had only known her an hour or so but he knew that he liked her and life without knowing her must have been really sad.

I'm having this weird low point right now. I have been speaking at various bible studies and luncheons... I love it. I love to share where I am in this journey. I love to hear other peoples stories. But I've started to notice that after a speaking engagement I am exhausted and very, very sad for a few days. I think it's because I rummage through the pain and talk about it, cry about it. It's like therapy for me but when it's over I still have to go home to no Levi...

There's an old quote that says: "Life is like a wild horse either you ride it or it rides you." Sometimes I don't know if I'm riding or being ridden. I guess it's at those "feeling ridden" times that I turn my heart toward HIM out of desperation and say: "It's too much Lord, I feel overtaken by life and all its pains, the quickness of it all, the injustice of it. What if one day I get up in the morning there's not enough courage to get out of bed again?" Sometimes my heart gets lost in the shuffle, the whirlwind. I feel sorry for myself... but then I remember Nahum 1:3, ...His way is in the whirlwind and the storm... so my "arrow prayer" is: "Lord, hold me close, I can't see where I am, I can't see where I'm going, I'm spinning out of (my) control... let me be in yours...

Ignatius said:
"My dear Jesus, My Savior is so deeply written in my heart, that I feel confident, that if my heart were to be cut open and chopped to pieces, the name of Jesus would be found written on every piece"... Let it be true of me Lord....

I still can't see or feel my way in this journey but I am clinging to Him, I will not turn around for another, I will set my face like flint before Him. He will answer the cry of my hunger for Him. S. J. Hill says, "He will never bypass the one who refuses to be denied the deeper things of His heart."

In "Enjoying God" (S. J. Hill) He tells of a woman who was meditating on the image of the apostle John leaning on Jesus' breast (John 13:25). She said to the Lord, "It just doesn't seem fair that John was the only disciple who got to lean on Your chest and hear Your holy heartbeat." She felt the Lord respond by saying, "John was the only one who wanted to." I like that because the Lord has put me in a position of "want." I want to hear His holy heartbeat, I want to love what He loves, I want to hate what He hates. I want to fulfill what He wants to fulfill in my life. I have no idea what all that means but I think I'm at least headed in the right direction....

fumbling, fumbling, fumbling,
jami

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