May 20, 2002

Graci came into my room holding a picture of Levi to her chest. She took one last look at his sweet face before she looked up at me and said, "I don't want him to be in heaven any more, I want him back here with me." That little peek into the heart of Graci spoke mounds to my heart. It expressed how I have been feeling for days. I think I'm "hitting the wall." Everything seems to be "getting back to normal" as far as everyone around me. Everybody seems okay with Levi being gone. Everyone seems to have "fallen" for the pat answers... "he's in a better place"...,"All things work for good"..., "This too shall pass"... all these are true, wonderfully true but oh so hard to walk through. They're words, (true) words that make Levi no less gone...

Levi had a Winnie the Pooh watch that he loved but he just could not keep up with that thing. Every two or three weeks "out of the blue" he would say, (in his squeaky little voice) "Hey, where's my Winnie the Pooh watch?" So we would look for it but to no avail. Then, about 2 weeks later it would show up somewhere. It would be like Christmas for him! "Hey, I found it! Here's my Pooh watch." He would push the button on it that would play the Winnie the Pooh song and we'd "enjoy" it for a while until he misplaced it again and we'd go through all that again 2 or 3 weeks later... well guess what I found while cleaning house this week? But Levi wasn't here to get excited about it. Graci and I played the song and remembered our "little man." The words to the song say, "silly old Pooh all stuffed with fluff".... I used to sing that to him when he had gotten so chubby that he looked all "stuffed with fluff." Maybe that's why he loved Pooh, he could relate to him...

...it's not getting any easier. My heart is still crushed, the hole is still there, maybe more than ever....it's getting harder, I think. You know why? Because Levi being gone is "common" now (to everyone else, that is). But missing him is such a big part of my day. "How happy I would be if I could forget to remember how sad I am." Emily Dickinson.

Another strange thing is happening to me... I am loving Levi more. I didn't think it was possible but I do. I think of all his special traits. I remember his voice. I remember how he hugged so tightly, I remember how, every time I would leave the house without him he would say, "But I will miss you so bad"... I remember how he loved us so completely and without reservation. I admired him. He is a hero to me, because he made me slow down and enjoy the small pleasures of life. He brought out so many good things in me... there's a part of me that is forever tucked away because it was the "me" that only he could bring out. I miss that part of me... it was good.

Obviously, today has been a very sad and teary day for me. At dinner my sweet Jonah prayed....."Dear Father, Would you bless our meal and would you tell Levi we love him and we miss him...and Lord, would you tell my mom that he misses her too? Amen" Then he looked up at me and said he misses you mom, he loves you so much....

Graci is starting to want to go to the cemetery more often. As she was getting ready for bed tonight she said, "tomorrow I want to go see Levi in the 'casket.'" (she thinks we can go to the funeral home and see him in the casket like at the wake when we really miss him bad and can't "take it" anymore.)

Caleb still keeps pretty quiet about Levi but he is starting to enjoy the memories. We all laugh together when we remember his squeaky little voice. We all try to imitate him and that brings laughter along with a sweet reverence and honor for the "little man."

I've found that there are only a handful of people who can "handle" talking about Levi. The rest avoid the subject. I understand it's hard for some people but it makes him seem "more gone" when the subject is avoided. I have great respect for the ones who are courageous enough to "enter in" with me..."It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man and the living should take this to heart." Ecclesiastes 7:2

I am learning to "take His yoke" and learn from Him. I am so weary and burdened...I know He will give my soul rest because He truly is gentle and humble in heart." I just don't understand why He does what He does... I will continue to trust Him...

jami

May 12, 2002

Well, it's here. Mothers day! Sweet precious day of honor. This is a day that Jeff and the kids usually can't wait for. Jeff usually takes them all out a couple of days before to search for a special gift from each one of them and then one from him. I remember years ago, before Levi and Graci were born, Jeff and I found ourselves in one of the biggest arguments (fights :) ) we've ever had. He had forgotten Mothers day! Sin of all sins... I remember sitting him down and saying "Look, you can forget my birthday, you can forget our anniversary, you can forget Christmas. But please, please, please never forget Mothers day. It's who I am, it's what I do. It defines me and all my dreams." Jeff of course was a puddle of "I am so sorries" He said , "I didn't know, I just didn't know it was so incredibly important to you." My response was, "I didn't either, but for some reason it is now."

That was the beginning of Mothers Day becoming almost as big as Christmas at our house. I remember last year! Oh man what a special day! They ALL (Oh how I wish for all) went out and did their annual shopping. The each had their own special gift to give: candles, flowers, slippers, pretty smelling soap. But then they brought in the table and chairs that I had been wanting for our back deck. If you could have seen their faces. They were so proud of this fine purchase. That was it! That look of excitement on their faces was the greatest gift of all. There is no price tag large enough for the beauty of their excited faces....

Today, I feel so sad. I know there will be one less face, the chubby one with the crossed eye. Oh how I loved that sweet face, the heart behind it. Last year I wondered if I would be blessed with another year with us all together. I had no idea what it would mean to come to this day without him. I had no way of knowing that this amount of pain, sorrow and emptiness would be mine.... that it would bombard our special days as well as our "every days." C.S. Lewis, in his book A Grief Observed wrote: "I have forgotten the reason, there is spread over everything a vague sense of wrongness of something amiss. Like in those dreams where nothing terrible occurs--- nothing that would sound even remarkable if you told it at breakfast-time ---but the atmosphere, the taste, of the whole thing is deadly. So with this, I see the berries reddening and don't know why they of all things should be depressing." In other words, there is a cloud over him, he and I share it. It is a cloud of grief that goes everywhere with you, uninvited even. It can only be understood by those who have grieved and now try (without success) to resume life as it was. I wonder if I'll ever have the power to remove the cloud when absolutely necessary. Like today. I am still the mother to three other sweethearts that are loved no less that the "little man." How do I remove this ever-present cloud? What a stage this is for me. The Lord is stripping me. I am becoming more and more bare before Him. Just when I think "that's enough" He strips me down a little more. Surely He does this by His hand of mercy. Taking away the old, the ugly, the dead parts of my "tree" so that someday, I will grow beautiful fruit. But for now I feel ugly, torn down. I find comfort in what Elisabeth Elliot said in her book "A Path Through Suffering," ...Every stage of the Heavenly growth in us is lovely to Him; He is the God of the daisies and the lambs and the merry child heart!"

Lamentations 3:31-33 says "For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men."

"The Lord is merciful to us in our grief. He always proves Himself worthy of the trust He calls us to have in Him." (Zig Ziglar)

I have learned in the "day in and day out" of my oh so deep loss and grief, that relentless darkness that surrounds without mercy, That deceiving sense of abandonment by HIM. Yes, I have learned that He is actually calling me to a deeper place in Him. He's waiting to see if I'll reach out to Him, without inspiration and warm fuzzy feelings toward Him. I have found that His heart is for a people who are constantly running after Him. And the truth is we won't run after Him unless we're trapped, scared, lonely... desperate. Once again desperation has served me well. It speaks an ugly truth about me and everyone else I guess. We are only faithful to Him because He puts us in desperate situations. "On the whole, God's love for us is a much safer subject to think about than our love for Him. Nobody can always have devout feelings.... But the great thing to remember is that, though our feelings come and go, His love for us does not." (good ol' C.S. Lewis)

Dear Father, I long for Levi, I long for all of us to be together again. I long for it here because I don't know how to long for it there (in Heaven). It seems so far away... Help me please. Help me to live a holy life, to finish well. To finish strong. To finish desperate for You. Oh that on that day You would find us faithful. Oh Lord, would you make us ready, a pure and spotless "bride" for You our "bridegroom." Surely these ugly scars and hurts on my heart will be beautiful to you. Surely you will use them to make me clean before You..."fine linen, bright and clean"...(Revelation 19:7) We've come a long way Lord, but we've got a long way to go... Keep me.

In Jesus' name and by His blood.

jami

Blessings and sweet joy to all you Mothers. "Swim" in the blessings that they are. I know I will....

PS
Jeff, Caleb, Jonah and Graci all came down the stairs to my "quiet place" one at a time. First, Jonah with 2 dozen red sweetheart roses, then Caleb with 2 dozen yellow sweetheart roses then Graci with carnations with baby's breath. Then came Jeff, sweet Jeff with his precious "love offering"....a big red rose to represent Caleb, a big red rose to represent Jonah and a big red rose to represent Graci. Then, with a shaky voice and tears he said: "The big pink rose is from Levi, you know how he loved pink"....

May 3, 2002

It's Friday. It has been a really bad day today. Not circumstantially, I just miss Levi. I have started to notice a pattern: I go about 4 days without letting myself "go there" (I'm afraid of it, I guess… I pull back from the pain… I hate it) but then I'll have a day like today. I've had a lump in my throat all day. On the verge of falling apart with the longing to see him. I keep really busy but then in the end there's no running, no hiding, it catches me and I have to give in and "go there." I have to cry from my soul, I have to. I can't choose not to, my body won't let me. I'm a prisoner to raw grief. So, here I am at my grieving table hoping that I can find expression for how I feel today. How deeply I hurt. How endless this pain is. Will my heart ever find relief this side of heaven? Will the sting of my loss ever be satisfied? Oh Lord, I miss him so bad, What do I do with that Lord, what do I do with that?

It was this time last year that we were making plans to go to Disney world. I remember getting out the calendar, deciding which week would be best. The squares that represented days were so empty. What would the future hold? I never knew the future before but all of a sudden I noticed it. I felt so useless to save Levi's days. I remember thinking: When will it be Lord? When will we have to live without him here with us? What will be the day that I will never forget? (ironic that it turned out to be my birthday) I would only let myself think that way for a little while and then I would run back to the safety of the hope of his healing. I still had that option. "Man, those were the good ol' days"… I knew a day was coming when that pleasure would no longer be mine. And here we are. I have a new found respect for drug addicts that have to go "cold turkey." I've never had a physical addiction but my addiction for my children is surely comparable. I need to have them with me. All of them. I need Levi back. I feel like I can't breathe without him. Like a drug addict "without" I would lie, cheat, steal and kill to get him. But of course, none of that would bring him back. I am behind bars. I just have to go through it. I might not have the shakes and a cold sweat but I do feel that same "panicky", desperate, "gotta have him or I'll die" feeling… I need a "Levi fix" but it's not for sale… I HAVE TO wait…

I got an e-mail from a friend of mine. Her little girl has a brain tumor also. All their efforts for medical treatment have been exhausted. These are her words: "Dear Jami, …I think about you almost constantly and as I watch my little girl slowly dying my heart breaks for you too because I know you still hear your little Levi's voice and see his smile. There are times when I do not know where to get strength or how to pray"…

My heart is seared. I don't read her words, I feel them. Sweet precious lady thinks of me in her pain. I am speechless. After all I've been through you would think I would have some really great words of wisdom. But no, nothing. I have NOTHING… I know that my words and my wisdom are powerless in the face of death. I've learned that less of me and my words is best.

"Oh God, you are our God for ever and ever; You will be our guide even to the end." (Psalm 48:14)

It's funny, I've spent most of my Christian life preparing myself to be willing to die for Christ, to be faithful no matter what. But I've learned that dying would be (seemingly) easy. It's living that has turned out to be the hard part. I know that sounds really depressing, but it's not, really. I'm just learning what it means to join Him in His suffering. Learning being the operative word, not learned. Lord, teach me truth in the inner parts; teach me wisdom in the inmost place… let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice… (Psalm 51:6 & 8)

Please pray for my friends, Steve, Veronika and Julia (9 years old / brain tumor).

Still fumbling, still victoriously,

jami

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