November 13, 2002

Well, it's here, it's Levi's birthday. It's not even 7:00 am yet and it's already hard. I guess my mom and dad won't be calling to sing their usual song like they do for all the grandchildren on their birthdays. I miss that… I'm downstairs in the basement at my desk all alone in the silence. Usually on a birthday the morning silence is broken early because the birthday boy or girl can't sleep from the excitement of the special day ahead… I can see him in my mind coming down those stairs with his hair sticking up, his face all puffy from sleep, rubbing his eyes then putting his arms up to be held… after I have him in my arms he lays his head on my shoulder about to fall asleep but then remembers to say, "I want pancakes please" then his head falls back to my shoulder… I wonder if there are pancakes in heaven? He really liked blueberry pancakes… .I'm sure when they are served he will cheer like he always did here and then say, "thanks mom, you're the best!!"

Today at his birthday party I want it to be a joyful time but I'm afraid. I can hardly drive into that cemetery without bawling, how will I make it through a party. How will I listen to all the kids as they say what they wish they could say to Levi and then release a balloon then watch the balloon go farther and farther away, until it disappears into the clouds, just like Levi did. It doesn't sound like I'm happy that Levi is celebrating his first birthday in heaven does it? I really am! I guess I feel a little left out and wish I could hug him. I know that Jesus is doing way better on the whole birthday thing than I ever could but I really want to be a bigger part of his special day. My heart is confused… I say along with Virginia Bell (Ruth Bell Graham's mother) when walking from the place her 10 month old son was just buried, "I have a song in my heart but I can't keep the tears from my eyes."

10:20 am – I was on the treadmill running as hard as I could. I guess I was trying to get away from my aching heart. While I was running I was listening to a worship CD I haven't listened to since Levi's funeral day. (Caleb had asked if we could listen to it today) So, I got it out (Phillips, Craig and Dean, Worship, If you don't have it, you need it :)) … I was listening, running, crying… crying sooo hard… It was a different kind of crying though. I can't describe what it was like, I guess it was hopeful. It started as I was listening to the words of this song: "I don't know how to say exactly how I feel, I can't begin to tell you what your love has meant to me. I'm lost for words. Is there a way to show the passion in my heart? Can I express how truly great I think you are, my dearest friend? Lord this is my desire to pour my love on you, like oil upon your feet, like wine for you to drink like water from my heart, I pour my love on you, If praise is like perfume I lavish mine on you till every drop is gone, I pour my love on you." – In my heart I was doing just that, at the feet of Jesus. I saw myself as the woman who poured out her most expensive perfume (after all, my children are the most valuable things I have) onto His feet… I saw his feet in my mind, I touched them… remembering how often I used to rub Levi's feet with oil… it dawned on me that when I "lavish" my love on Jesus, I mean really, really love on Him… I get to do that to Levi again. I could almost feel his little chubby feet in my hands. Thank you Jesus for letting me touch Levi when my heart goes for YOU. How great YOU are, how small I am, how awesome is your mighty hand… I am captured by the wonder of it all…

11:00am – Graci is missing Levi so bad: "Mom, I wish Levi were here. I want to read my Pooh book with him…"

11:30am – Caleb and Jonah have a big fight. They've been frustrated all morning… I call them into my room to talk about it… they apologize to each other. Then we talked about how important it is to forgive. Then I made them hug, they shyly complied. Then I told them to kiss on the cheek, they were shocked that I would ask them to kiss each other (since they're big now). I said, "you know why I'm gonna make you kiss?" "Why?" "Because you have each other. Don't you wish you could kiss Levi? You can't, but you can kiss the ones you have for now." What a great "grown up thing" to know at such a young age (what an advantage they have). I told them if they got into another fight I'd make them kiss on the lips :) … they got along great the rest of the day.

2:30pm – We arrived at the cemetery. I felt okay (surprisingly). The whole family was there. We (all 15 of us) had helium balloons, we wrote what we wish we could say to Levi, we held them and on the count of 3 we yelled as loud as we could "WE LOVE YOU LEVI!!!!" Then we let the balloons go and watched them disappear into the clouds… .What a sweet moment. I hope that somehow he saw from paradise that we have not and will not EVER forget.

5:00pm – We had a big dinner together, sang happy birthday to Levi and blew out the candles. (It was a Spongebob cake)

After that we just hung out. Truly the Lord has been good to carry us, once again.

Today I have a grateful heart. I didn't think I would feel this way. I thought this day might be a breeding ground for self pity. But the Lord has shown me all that I have today. I have a family that stopped everything and drove long distances to be with us, to help us, to "enter in", to love us… . How grateful I am. I didn't think I could feel this way again. But I do… stronger than before. I came across this story today and it describes who I hope I become someday:

…She had some kind of "wasting disease," her different powers fading away over the march of the month. A student happened upon her on a coincidental visit. The student kept going back, drawn by the strange force of the woman's joy. Though she could no longer move her arms and legs, she would say, "I'm just so happy I can move my neck." When she could no longer move her neck, she would say, "I'm just so glad I can hear and see."
When the young student finally asked the old woman what would happen if she lost her sound and sight, the gentle old lady said, "I'll just be so grateful that you come to visit."

Is there any freedom like that of a grateful heart???? I have a long way to go but the goal for me is to open my eyes and see the vast landscape of all I have been given. Surely the great enemy, which is fear of loss, will be disarmed on that day.

G. K. Chesterton made an interesting remark that I really like. He said, "The worst moment for an atheist is when he/she feels grateful and there is no one to thank." How grateful I am that He has revealed to me to whom I am to be grateful :) :) :) :)

jami

November 11, 2002

It's the end of a busy weekend. Tomorrow begins the week of Levi's first birthday in heaven! How happy I am for him. I know that everyday (even though heaven is not bound by time) is probably like a birthday there. Caleb and I were talking about heaven and what it might be like (even though our imaginations could never come close but we gave it a shot anyway). He came to the conclusion that Heaven has the constant feeling of "just about Christmas." Surely that warm fuzzy feeling is a tiny foretaste of things to come. The great thing about heaven I imagine, is that there is no "morning after" when the anticipation is over and the normal routine must resume...

My niece, Sydney and Levi were born two days apart. For all their lives we celebrated their birthdays together. They shared birthday cakes, candles, balloons... they never knew any different it was just the way it was. This year will be new. How my heart longs for the same old thing. I wonder if Syd will feel "short changed" this year because she doesn't get to share her day with him.

Wednesday is Levi's birthday. We're all going to the cemetery. The kids are going to write everything they wish they could say to Levi on helium balloons and then we're going to let them go. They are very aware of the fact that those balloons will not actually make it to heaven but it will be a tiny way to express their love... (I'll be sending one too)

A helium balloon goes with the wind, it is weak and so small in the backdrop of the sky... just like the words I use to express the sadness I feel without Levi here. I try so hard to paint pictures of how I am feeling, what is happening inside me... but they are so small in the backdrop of my broken heart. I was just thinking about how to describe love. How do you? How could you possibly put words to what happens inside you when you see your newborn baby for the first time (I remember thinking, "I can't believe I had anything to do with this miracle.") or how your heart swells when you see your baby laugh for the first time, blow kisses, wave, say "I love you", walk, run...? There's no way!!! Likewise there's no way to express the depth of the hole inside me now. The backwardness of "sweet November" coming without him here to celebrate it with us. I know that some people think that we should be about ready to get back to the usual routine. NEVER! We are not the same, we will never be the same. And that's that!!! This is the way I look at it: God is good, He is in full control, He is and was not surprised by that brain tumor and Levi's death. And if I believe that I must believe that Levi was never intended to live past December 20th 2001. God had strong intentions in Levi's death and its timing. To go back to things the way we were would be to spit in God's face. He meant for it to rock our world, for us to think more eternally, to live more recklessly abandoned to His ways, wherever they may take us... I want to get all that HE intended for us in this heartbreak. "The grapes must be crushed to become wine" and we have truly been crushed, to go back to a "grape" just will not do. To do so would dishonor God and undercut the depth of love we have for Levi. I like that verse in Ephesians 5:15; it works well in my heart, "Be very careful, then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity... sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.(vs. 19) I want to be careful, very, very careful how I live now. Everything is different now, as it should be. There are some good things that HE is doing in me now. I am less likely to sweat the small stuff, I love more deeply, I have a deeper "place" for people who are hurting. I waste less time being busy and use more time being still. I don't rush, rush, rush to be what other people think I should be, I'd rather stay home, curl up on the couch with my children and touch them, hold them, scratch backs because I can for today, tomorrow they might not be here... I have a really cool thing going on inside me these days too: I want to know God, the real God. Not a "churchy" God. Not the God I used to know because after the last 10 months of searching for Him and the truth of His character I have discovered that everything I thought of him was a "shortshot." I feel as if I am at the beginning of a really great adventure. HE is a treasure just waiting to be discovered but like all hidden treasure it must be wanted, it can't be stumbled upon....

Jeff's great uncle Herb has been sick and in the hospital for the last three or four days, he's 88 years old. An incredible man of God. His life is one of the finest examples of "finishing well" I've ever seen. We were at the hospital visiting and he prayed for me. He could hardly talk but he prayed for me... He knew I was speaking at a Christmas tea in December. He was so excited that I would be speaking to people that don't know Jesus. At the end of his prayer he said something like this: "Lord, I can't wait to see what You do through jami… I know I probably won't be here but I'm sure I'll hear about it in Heaven." He was right! He went to be with his Lord today (November 11th, Sydney's birthday) at 10:15am. What an incredible entrance that must have been... He spent his allotted 88 years well, very, very well... all the way to the end and now he can really say, "I fought the good fight, I finished the race, I kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me..." 2 Timothy 4:7&8. Oh the joy he must be experiencing... I wonder if he's seen Levi yet...

November 4, 2002

Caleb had a tooth pulled today. He is in a lot of pain tonight and I feel right "at home" taking care of him. I like it. I don't like for him to hurt but I so enjoy being needed at this level again. I found myself searching for Levi's pill crusher...crushing medicine, mixing it with juice, making it tolerable. It is quite different though, obviously because a toothache is not life threatening. However, I do feel my "power" again. You know, the power of a mommy's touch. The miracle of a "mommy's kiss" is here. I will kiss him and he WILL get better (I have never been so grateful for this truth). I remember the day the Dr. told us that Levi had an inoperable brain tumor...I knew that my kiss was useless, this "boo boo" was way out of my league... But I also know that tumor was no match for this mother's love. It only strengthened it...I still win!!!!!

Something new and great happened to me the other day... I felt something of God's hand healing me...before I tell you the good part I have to tell you the bad part...When we buried Levi it was a rainy, dreary day, as it should have been. I remember getting in the car and seeing out of the corner of my eye the bull dozer covering the casket. At that moment I felt as if a cold steel plate went down the center of my body. It was a chill that has remained for the last 10 months. I have functioned and lived but my "center" has been ice cold. I remember leaving the cemetery...I felt like such a bad mother, how could I leave him out there in the cold rain. I wanted so badly to go back and get his body out of that casket, wrap him in a blanket and just make him warm. Once again, I was powerless...I would never make his body warm again. POWERLESS, ABSOLUTELY USELESS... I hated myself for my weakness. It was then that the chill ran through my heart and soul. I thought to myself, " I'll never feel warm again." And I haven't for the last 10 months...I've gone on with the "daily stuff" but I have not felt warm inside, and couldn't imagine life without that cold sting...

...Here's the good stuff: Jeff and I woke up on the morning of October 20th (exactly 10 months from the day Levi left). We both felt different. I looked at him and said, "I think we're gonna make it!" Up until that moment I hadn't felt that way at all... Later on that day I was in the den all by myself (rare thing to be alone), just laying in front of the fireplace, looking/staring up at the ceiling (remembering life with Levi in it...) Then I rolled over and looked into the fire. All of a sudden I felt warm. It wasn't the fire, it wasn't physical. It was spiritual, emotional... something new, something great. It was the first time that I didn't feel chilled from the inside...surely it was the warmth of Jesus’ hand on me. That's the best I can do to describe what happened in my heart. It's not even close to how great it really is. But I had to paint you some sort of a "picture."

Now, that doesn't mean that everyday since has been all warm and fuzzy, it hasn't but I do feel a new kind of hope...

What a mystery the Lord is to me. He gives us just enough of Himself to keep us searching for more. I'm such a spoiled little brat though, I want more, more, more. But if I've learned anything I've learned that any bit of HIM is good. I think of Moses when he wanted to see the Glory of God’s face. The Lord's answer was basically "No, you cover your face while the glory passes, I will make all My splendor pass before you, (says Yahweh) and in your presence I will pronounce my name... You cannot see my face, for no one sees my face and lives (that's the original way of saying, "I could show you but then I'd have to kill you. he he)...He goes on to say, here is a place beside me. You must stand on the rock, and when my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft of the rock and shield you with my hand as I pass by. Then I will take my hand away and you shall see the back of me, but my face is not to be seen." (Exodus 33:18-23). How good HE is to protect us from His power and then give us a glimpse of the back of His glory. I’ll take it!!! Truly, I have been plunged into this absolute mystery that is GOD. The conclusion is I want all of Him but I'm ever so grateful for what He sees fit to give me.

I started this update a week ago but just didn't have time to finish it....I've been sitting here at this computer trying to get back into the mode of gratefulness because there is so much to be grateful for. But I can't! I don't feel like faking it. It's getting closer to Levi's birthday. I feel really sad and sorry for myself that I have come to this place of planning a party in a cemetery... I feel fragile today...afraid of the expectations to move on, be healed, be happy. I search my heart for words to express this place of regression... but there are none... Lord, "I'm finding myself at a loss for words and the funny thing is... it's okay. The last thing I need is to be heard... but to hear what You would say,,, word of God speak. Would you pour down like rain washing my eyes to see your majesty, to be still and know that you're in this place. Please let me stay and rest in Your holiness, word of God speak... Hopefully I'll find myself in the midst of Him beyond the music and the noise. All that I need is to be with You and in the quiet hear your voice... word of God speak"...please... (Mercy Me) Amen

I say along with Thomas Aquinas who spent most of his life writing about God and theology...but was then "brushed with the true Glory of God"... He said, "I can write no more for all I have written is straw." ((I will write more later, it will probably be "straw" too, but I'll still write. :))

jami

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