October 18, 2002

It's mid October and Jeff and I are restless. We are in need of change but must wait for God's timing. We have our house for sale but the market is really slow. Sometimes I think I can't live in this house with all its painful memories another day…other times I think I could never leave this house and all its beautiful memories… which way do I go?? I'm stuck in the middle of ashes and beauty…strange place…

I am missing Levi so desperately, as always of course but I'm in a "wave" of missing him beyond the usual daily sadness. I think of the fact that I lived 31 years without him. I only had five years with him but those five years drastically changed who I am. That's amazing to me. What love I have for him. It has only gotten stronger since he left. I still have such passionate, undying, committed love toward him. The only thing different is that I have no way to act on it…how desperately I want to "do" something for him. How I would love to lavish my love on him in some way one more time. I love my other children no less than I love Levi but I still have the privilege of showing them on a daily basis. I have learned their "love languages" and try to remember to "speak" love to them in their own "words." Levi's love language was just being with him. To sit on the couch and watch a cartoon with him was like flowers and candy to me. To lay down in front of the fireplace and snuggle was one of his favorite things. If I reached over to him, pulled up his shirt and scratched his back he would melt beneath my hands. Showing love was simple with him. It didn't cost anything….I'm remembering (once again) laying in the hospital bed with him…he was paralyzed except his right hand…he reached over to scratch my back even though it took most of the strength he had. It means more now that I'm remembering that back scratching spoke such love to him…he was saying he loved me in his own "words." Sweet, sweet little man of mine. How I miss you Levi, I wish you could talk to me…I wish I could show you my love again…

Oh Lord, while you are with Levi this very moment would you scratch his sweet little back? Tell him it's what I wish I could do for him and it will speak from the deepest places in my heart…in his language…

…seeing him in my mind makes me think again of the verse in when David's son died and he was absolutely devastated… he came to grips with the fact that his son was gone and said “… I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.” (2 Samuel 12:23). They're together. I'm sure it seemed like forever that they had to wait but the wait is over for them now. I'm happy for them…

In my longing to be reunited with Levi I question myself, "Do I long for the blessing (Levi) more than the blesser (Jesus)? So, my feeble prayer is "Lord, help my heart to long to see your face, to show you love through obedience, to run this race even though it has turned out to be harder than I had once thought it would be."

I don't know where I am right now with the Lord. I'm kinda in the dark but I just gotta keep moving toward HIM. Martin Luther King Jr. said, "If you can't fly, run. If you can't run, walk. If you can't walk, crawl, but by all means keep moving." I guess you'd say I'm crawling, but learning, growing… I guess it's really a good place (not a feel good place) but a good place just the same. It's good because I think I'm doing what I'm supposed to do, getting to know the character of God, discovering something of Him that I knew nothing of before. "It's during the tough times much more than the good times that I am growing into the creature He intended. Therefore the cries of my heart that come from my spiritual desert are those that possibly please Him the most… He wants me to learn to walk and therefore must remove His hand; and if my will to walk is there He is pleased even with my stumbles, falls and temporary crawls. Surely He is most pleased when we, His children no longer desire to run this race but still intend to do His will, look around a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and ask 'why have You forsaken me' and still obey" (C.S. Lewis, Screwtape Letters).

In the words of psychiatrist Gerald May, "In reality, our lack of fulfillment is the most precious gift we have. It is the source of our passion, our creativity, our search for God. All the best of life comes out of our human yearning — not our being satisfied." Therefore, I am striving to be grateful not for the pain itself but for the opportunity to respond, by mining good out of what looks (and is) really, really bad. {Phillip Yancey}

fumbling victoriously,
jami

October 3, 2002

It's October now, that time of year when you anticipate the holidays, the weather is changing, pumpkins are everywhere... I remember last year whenever we'd see the pumpkins Levi would get so excited because it meant his birthday was right around the corner (November 13th). He'd say, "I see pumpkins, you know what that means???" His eyes excited about the soon coming day. I'm dreading that day this year...I remember his last birthday...We went over to my mom and dad's house (it wasn't finished being built yet) we stood around in the unfurnished den eating cake and ice cream. He couldn't stand but he sat in his wheelchair as the rest of us danced to some of his favorite songs. He found such pleasure in watching the rest of us being silly. I think we all knew that our days were numbered so there was an unspoken sadness but we all tried to keep our heads up for his sake. I can see him in my mind, so swollen and uncomfortable looking... I wonder if he knew. I wonder if the Lord had given him some idea of what was to come. It was only 4 days later that we found ourselves at Egleston in ICU. What hard days those were but I would go back there if I could. Beggars can't be choosers, I'd take a bad days over no days.

Last weekend was such a busy time for me. I was surrounded by people the whole weekend. I can only take so much "smothered" time, I am so in need of "alone" time now. I have to take time to remember, to cry, to be sad and not feel like I have to "be all together." When I'm around a lot of people I feel like I have a huge secret, even kinda like I'm lying. I'm walking and talking, I'm smiling, laughing.... but inside I'm dying. Surrounded by people yet so lonely for my used to be life. When people ask, "So, how are you?" I want so much to be able to say how badly I hurt without falling apart." But the general population isn't ready for that, for me when I'm totally real.

It's funny how I go from feeling victorious to complete defeat so quickly. Just last week I was feeling like the Lord was bringing healing to me. Today I feel as if it was just yesterday that Levi left. When I walk past his pictures my eyes automatically divert, I can't look (Sometimes I make myself stare at his sweet face until my eyes are too filled with tears to see him anymore.) It hurts so bad....oh to feel my arms hold him again... to touch his face....to give him baths and hear his whiny little voice as he came down the steps in the mornings... to hear Caleb, Jonah and Graci come in from playing in the cul-de-sac to check on him, just to hear them say his name........"Levi" I love to hear his name spoken out loud. How can a heart desire something so deeply that it knows it will never have again (until heaven)? Some days I am drowning in a sea of sorrow. There is no relief. Other days I walk in joy and hopefulness. I've found that the only time that I feel a reprieve from the sadness is when I am talking about what the Lord has done in the hearts of my family and friends (and my own heart). That sounds really..."on top"... but it's not really, it's a discovery type thing, every day I live without Levi I see something of the "bigger plan." That in no way means that the sadness and longing for Levi are gone. It just means that I see it, I don't feel it. Rita Springer sings a song that says: "I don't understand Your ways but I will give you my song and I'll give you all of my praise. You hold on to all of my pain and with it you are pulling me closer, pulling me into your ways.. Now around every corner and up every mountain I'm not looking for crowns anymore or the water from fountains I'm desperate in seeking...frantic, believing the sight of your face is all that I'm needing... I will say to you: 'Oh it's gonna be worth it, It's gonna be worth it all...'" Man how that speaks to me. I am so frustrated with my restlessness with this world. I'm caught somewhere in the middle of loving life and hating it, hoping for the future and not wanting to go any further than today, tomorrow seems too far ahead...( I don't know where I'm going with all this rambling...I only know that I miss Levi. I miss him so bad today. I have his picture right here next to me, I look at it and hurt so badly wanting it to be more than just a piece of paper. )

I believe HIS promises. I believe it's all gonna be worth it someday, I do, I do, I do...It's today I'm having a hard time with...And the holidays, his birthday, my birthday...Oh Lord, how? How will we make it????

My brother told me that he heard (in the grieving circle) that the 9th month is the place where most people "hit the wall." Well, it's been 9 months and I've got "brick in my face." I feel like I'm at ground zero, day 1....

Jesus said, "Blessed is he who is not offended by me." I am trying so hard, praying desperately that my flesh and pain will not be offended by this "plan" that I live in. I guess that is something that I will fight for the rest of my life. I will press on pursuing The One who knows me, loves me and will meet all my needs. I am truly"frantic, believing the sight of HIS face is all that I'm needing."

{Please pray for us, we have so many changes ahead of us, we're longing for change but afraid of it at the same time. Holy Spirit go with us... stay with us... be with us... We can't, we won't move or breathe without your presence....}

Thank you,
jamii

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