February 9, 2003

I know it's been a really long time since my last update. It's not because I haven't had anything to talk about. Quite the contrary, I have wanted (and needed) to sit and write my heart out ,but time (or lack of it) has not allowed it. Jeff was in India for 2 1/2 weeks on a mission trip (that's a whole 'nother update in itself {over 2000 saved}) and I've been getting ready for speaking engagements.

So many people have been writing and calling, checking on us...wanting to see "where we are" right now. My response to that question is: "Well, I'm so glad you asked, do you have a couple of hours?...."

But I'll give you a "quick" version of what the Lord is teaching us right now:

I was up in Caleb's room going through some of his old clothes that needed to be given away when we ran across a stuffed animal of Levi's (how I love to write his name). Caleb, Jonah and Graci all saw it at the same time. They raced to grab it ...Jonah got it and immediately put his face in it. He breathed it in like a breath of fresh air. He looked up at me and said, "It smells just like him..." I watched in amazement as they stood in a circle taking turns smelling "Levi." My heart broke for them. My heart broke for us all. Lord, we've been reduced to smelling old things in hopes of some burst of feeling his presence if only for a half a second. It's not fair, Lord, It's not right!!!! It's so hard. Sometimes I think I'll die if I don't see him, touch him, smell him... but I don't... I just go on longing for us to all be together. Someone told me about their grandmother the other day. She had a baby that died when she was about 25 years old. She talked about that little one the rest of her life. She died when she was about 85 years old and the last thing she said was: "I get to go be with my little one now." I really love that story because it seems to give me the freedom to "long" for the rest of my life. I like that because our society wants me to put on a "happy face," to get over it, "to go on as usual", "move on." I definitely function and depend on the Lord to spring HIS joy through me for the sake of my family and friends but I'm still hurting beyond words inside. We all are.

I met with a friend of mine for coffee last week in Alabama. Her eyes have also seen things she had hoped she would never see. She saw her sweet little boys body deteriorate because of a brain tumor. She had to watch as his heart broke because he could no longer be an independent 8 year old. She watched him take his last breath and saw his spirit leave the shell of his body behind... she had to watch the eyes of her other children as she told them their brother was gone and wouldn't be coming back again...she saw the casket, the dirt, and the final blow...her sweet little boys full name written in stone with his birthday and his last day together....She saw the same thing I saw with Levi. I hurt for her at a level I could never find words for. I know something of her daily heartache, I love her heart for her boy, I love her and want to take the pain from her but it cannot be removed... I am powerless to give her any relief from her daily longing...But let me tell you what my friend said to me (she didn't use these exact words but this is my translation of our entire 2 hour conversation) that I find amazing considering her boy has only been away from her for 3 months. What a "grown up" I found her to be... She said, "Jami, everyone wants us to be happy, to have fun, to get back to the way things used to be. But ya know what I've found out??? Life is not about being happy, or having fun...it's about being faithful to the end no matter what comes our way!" WOW!! I had just spoken to a group of ladies at a retreat about that very same thing. It's funny It's taken me over a year to get to this mindset. It only took her 3 months.

All that to say: The Lord is teaching me to see that there is something very beautiful in this suffering. That doesn't mean I have to like it (which is good because I DON"T) But HE has taken my heart to a "constant seek mode" I am continuously running after Him and a deeper, truthful knowledge of HIM. The old packages of the "churchy God" will NOT do. I can't stand religion, tradition and all that garbage ...I have never sought truth like I have in the last year and do you know what I've found???? I was wrong about God. I was wrong to think He would be my "sugar daddy" in the sky. The message of health and wealth and prosperity if you're faithful is HOGWASH!!! I have found that God is "kind in ways that will not fit my mind." He has been kind to show me the depth of His faithfulness in the deepest pit. He is kind to have shown me that I was loving Him only because He blessed me. But what about when my baby died??? Would I burn my bible? Or would I run desperately after Him. The biggest question I have been pressed to ask myself is: "Lord, do I love You because You bless me or do I love You because You are so worthy of ALL of my praise, no matter what comes my way???? He has been kind to show me that I must decrease so that He may increase. What a concept in America???

"But I know that what I have lost God will restore----
that, and Himself, forevermore,
when He is finished with His art (The quiet worship of my heart)
When God creates a humble hush...
It won't be long before the rod
becomes the tender kiss of God." (The Misery of Job and the Mercy of God by John Piper)

How kind He has been to teach me that I no longer have to walk the tightrope of hoping that nothing goes wrong ...I no longer have to be afraid of the future, what might happen, war, death... NO!! Because I have found a treasure above all treasures... His love goes to those places and it gets stronger as the difficulty get deeper. Watermark sings a song that says: "Seek me with your whole heart, and when you seek Me you will find Me, and when you find Me you will know Me, and I will not hold anything from you..." I love that. It's a lot like Jeremiah 33:3, "Call to Me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. " The truth is, we aren't very likely to "seek" with a whole heart until we are desperate and He has pushed me to that desperate place...and now I see more of the true Him than I have ever seen. It is good.

I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone the other day. She is going through some hard times right now. She asked me through her tears. "Jami, it's really hard and I have to ask you, Is it worth it? I've just got to know." I could very easily say: "It is hard beyond words, but it IS worth it!"

"Give thanks to the Lord Almighty,
for the Lord is good:
His love endures forever." Jeremiah 33:11b

jami

After months of preparation for speaking at a Christmas Tea...it's over. I am almost completely exhausted but so very, very honored and humbled that the Lord allowed me to be a (teeny) part of 28 women's change in eternal destiny. Now, it is my deepest desire that each and every one of those women would come to know more of their desperate need of Him. I've known Jesus for almost twenty years now and it wasn't until "the bottom" fell out that I recognized how deep my need for HIM is. Nichole Nordeman sings a song that speaks loudly to my heart: "We stutter and we stammer till You say us. A symphony of chaos till You play us, phrases on the pages of unknown till You read us into poetry and prose... we are kept and we are captive till You free us, vaguely unimagined till You dream us, aimlessly unguided till You lead us home...passed over and passed by until You claim us, orphaned and abandoned till You name us, hidden and disclosed till You expose our hearts...by Your death we live... by Your wounds we are healed..." Oh how I love Him. How my desperation for truth has taken me "places." What I have stumbled upon is amazing. I still wonder how He could love me, why He would think well of me.

The teaching He has me under right now is a hard one. I am learning to avoid self pity...oh so hard for me because I really enjoy it...to curl up in front of the fireplace with all my pictures of Levi...pictures of the past...pictures of what I can no longer hold...

It's very clear to me that a "leash" has been placed around my neck. I am no longer able to "go" to my past and "wallow" in my "have nots." The pain of it is unbearable. Maybe because I was not intended to bear it???? My Father has called me now to praise Him in my grief and sadness. He has whispered to me, "It's time to start 'dancing' on that grave." At first, I thought that was "a bit much" to ask of me. But now I see.... The deeper I go into my pit of pity the further I am from Levi. The more I praise, the closer I am to Levi. Now, I know that being close to Levi shouldn't be my reason to praise God. I'm just saying that He has brought me to this boundary line...I can't cross over it, when I come close I feel compelled to "turn tail" and run back into the safe place of my "Daddy."

I think trust has "happened." Brennan Manning put it perfectly when He said: "Often trust begins on the far side of despair. When all human resources are exhausted, when the craving for reassurances is stifled, when we forgo control, when we cease trying to manipulate God and demystify Mystery, then ---at our wits' end--- trust happens within us, and the untainted cry, 'Abba, into your hands I commend my spirit', surges from the heart." I love Brennan Manning. To me he is wise beyond the average "wise guy." You know what makes him different? He is so incredibly in touch with His need. I think he wears a leash too. He is an alchoholic who has gone from victory to defeat, defeat to victory. The Lord is using that to keep his heart on target. It is the "thorn in his flesh," it is "Jacobs limp"... mine is my broken heart. I know it is the goal of most who have such great loss to have their heart healed. But I know that will never happen. I am forever crushed. My "cheese has fallen completely off of my cracker" It is the leash He leads me with... somehow I'm grateful for it. It is my chain to His freedom....and it is good.

Now, that sounds completely victorious, I know. But the truth is I'm struggling big time. The Christmas music is heartwrenching ("I'll be home for Christmas" is almost too much for me). The decorations a painful reminder...the shopping, wondering what Levi would have liked... what would he have run to and said, "moma, this is what I really want..." I have yet to go shopping without crying the whole time. When it's late at night, everyone is sleeping, I go into the den and just look at the Christmas tree...it seems so sad and lonely without children around it... it's there, right about there that the Lord pulls on my leash and says, "okay girl that's far enough, come back to me, come back to hope, come back to where Levi is too. We're not over there in the sadness... It's at this point that I get out the worship music, turn the eyes of my heart toward the lover of my soul and lift my hands in great need...the rest is good, very, very good.

forever fumbling victoriously because of HIM,
jami

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