November 13, 2003

Today is Levi's birthday. He would have been 7 years old. I can't believe it's been two "Sweet Novembers" since we've had him with us. When he left we couldn't imagine living two more days much less two years. But somehow we survived the broken heart that we felt at times was fatal.

Still I feel so fragile. The second year has turned out to be harder (in some ways)than the first year without Little man. I would have never guessed that. But it is true. I guess there are several reasons for that conclusion. The first reason is that the memories fade. There are so many things I can't remember. I try but it's just been so long and there are two of him to remember… the boy, Levi and the man, Levi (Oh how I love to type his name Levi, Levi, Levi, Levi, Levi… ) I miss the freshness of his memory. Sometimes I remember things as if they happened yesterday… but they fade so quickly and I'm left with this empty longing for more… In my mind I "see" him run, I "hear" him talk or laugh. It seems so real and then it's gone, as if Levi himself just evaporated into thin air. I want to chase the memory but "reality" needs me to focus. There is a place so deep in my heart that holds him but I still need to touch him, hear him, know that he'll be there when I turn the next corner. But I am continuously denied that privilege and that's the way it is… it is still too hard for me. Last night I saw a picture of Levi and Graci smiling and laughing together. It hit me hard. I couldn't do anything but drop to the ground and cry… and cry… and cry… Jeff came in to hold me. Then Caleb came in. At first I didn't want him to see me crying so hard. I was afraid it was too hard for him. But he held my hand and laid his head next to me. He stayed with us and we cried… later I asked him what he wanted to do until bed time… sweet precious boy of mine said, "I just want to be with you, mom." From tragedy to triumph, My boy is a man!!!

Another reason the second year has turned out to be so hard is ME … just the way I am I guess. I like to talk about my children. I love to tell stories about them and the incredible things they say and do, the wisdom that flows from the purity of their hearts… turns out that people love to hear about the living… but they don't want to hear about Levi because he's dead. He's in heaven and I should be "walking in victory" not living in the past. Man that really gripes me… but ya know what I really love? When friends come up to me and say "I was thinking about Levi today, remember the time he… " or, "lets talk about Levi." It seems to give me a sense of freedom, the freedom to love him as much today as the day he left, or even more. Jonah overheard me telling Jeff something that someone said about our need to "move on." He came to me later and said, "Mom, we can still cry when we need to can't we?" It broke my heart to hear him wonder out loud if it was "alright" to be honest. I wonder why people put regulations on everything? Why would people put a limit on how much we love… how we grieve…

For the last few months I've been "locked up." I haven't wanted to write or speak. I haven't wanted to be open hearted because I leave myself open also to criticism. I've wanted to curl up in an emotional ball never to let anyone (except the ones that are "safe" ) inside again. Quite honestly I've been angry a lot lately. Angry first of all at God for making me have to live without ALL my children with me. But also, angry that people say such hurtful things and with an attitude of "godliness." It's made me feel as if God is against us… as if He is not pleased with us… as if He wants us to "hurry up" and get over it. We had one couple tell us that it was our fault that Levi died… that it was because of past sins. Then another guy told us that the reason Levi died was because we didn't have enough faith and we were wicked (our wickedness is a given. But the question is: Is there power in the name of Jesus to cover us or not?). With all this I was starting to get spiritually paralized. The enemy was using other believers to tear us down. I allowed it to bring my world in, ya know what I mean? My world got too small, I was thinking about myself way too much. Thinking about how bad I hurt… how bad others have hurt me and mine… and that is a cesspool of self pity no matter how true the offenses are. The LORD has brought this to my attention. He has broken my heart for the sin in MY heart. The sin of self-absorbtion. It's taken me a while to look out … out of myself. HE has said, " You've got to look at me, not them and certainly not yourself… ME! I am your salvation , I am the hope of your broken heart, I am the one who is patient with you and I am the one who will love you forever and ever. I will open up the skies of mercy and rain down the cleansing flood. I will let the healing waters rise… " He calls me to turn the eyes of my heart to HIM and HIM alone. I want to look full into His face and let the things of this earth grow "strangely dim," but I am still such a novice at this. It's so much easier to focus on me.

How much I want to be one of His instruments to bring the lost and hurting to truth. But so much of my heart is still young and afraid to move forward in this very scary and dangerous (spiritual) life. I think of what Jesus said to Peter before he was taken away and crucified. He said, "Peter, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat." Luke 22:31 That's scary to me. If we're followers of Christ then we've got Satan on our trail (I know that's old news but still scary). As we get closer to the last days his pursuit of us will get more and more hostile… and I feel like a spiritual whimp so addicted to comfort. Jeremiah 12:5 says "If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out, how can you compete with horses? If you stumble in safe country, how will you manage in the thickets by the Jordan?" In other words, we'd better learn to keep our face as flint before Him now so that when the "terrain" gets rougher we'll stand firm and be faithful… He is our only hope.

This "update" shows a little bit of where my heart has been lately… very confused, frustrated and angry. Trying desperately to keep my head above the waters of despair. The last two years have been like taking two steps forward and three steps back. Some feel like I should be done with this level of brokenness but I am learning to be comfortable not in what others think but in what Christ calls me to. I am learning (again)to die. Die to myself, my dreams, my comfort zone. I'm learning that "getting back" to the way things used to be is what others want. It's not what HE wants. So, I'll get used to being a social disappointment but hopefully a success in the eyes of the Lord Jesus Christ. Is there anything greater?

jami

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