| December 2004 Updates | |||||||||
| 12/20 | |||||||||
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Thirty nine years ago today my sweet mom gave birth to me and my twin sister (Lori). It was three years ago today that our Levi left us and entered into the Lords place. My heart is confused as to how to feel. Should it feel excited about my birthday, enjoying the love lavished on me by my family? Or should it feel that cold, lost, empty feeling of having just watched my son breathe his last? It is truly a crazy mixed up day for my poor heart... The last three years have been beyond painful. I refer to them as the years of desolation. Even though I have traveled to various places speaking and sharing the wealth of what the LORD has taught me. I have done so in the midst of a fog... walking in naked faith, believing that HE will allow me the privilege of "feeling" fully alive again... someday... until then, I feel I am half a person, stuck between two worlds... the bottom line is this: I miss Levi and I can't stand the fact that I won't have him in my arms again this side of heaven. I cannot tell you how devastating that is for me... still. Somedays that thought is dibilitating for me. Sometimes when I clean Caleb, Jonah and Graci's rooms and I pick up a piece of clothes off of the floor that is still warm from their bodies I cry. I feel weak in the knees for two reasons: I am overwhelmed with gratefulness for another day with them, and then I am overwhelmed with sadness that I will never again pick up Levi's clothes while they are still warm... the longing of my heart for him slays me to the point of having to sit down to keep from falling...still But let me tell you about Caleb, Jonah and Graci... absolutely amazing children. The beauty of their hearts never cease to amaze me. They are "Abba's" way of holding me when I need it so desperately... For Levi's birthday (Nov. 13th) Jonah wrote me a card that said, "I think Levi is in heaven right now playing with the lion. Because the bible says that in the end the lion will lay down with the lamb... and Levi was our little lamb." Beautiful ten year old heart!!! Caleb came to me that night, right before bed time, he held my face in his hands, looked deeply into my eyes and said, "Mom, I am so sorry that you had to watch Levi die, I would have done anything to have kept that from you." Is that beautiful or what? Last week I was cooking dinner while I was talking to Graci when I noticed that she had a {ball} pump in her baby doll's mouth. As she rocked the baby back and for th she would pump air into the babies mouth. I said, "Grace, what's up with your baby?" She never took her eyes off of her doll and said, "my baby has a brain tumor so I'm pumping oxygen into her to keep her alive... just like you, Mama." I had this urge to pick her up, hold her and never let her go, I want so much to protect all three of them from the pains of life that are so inevitable. But I can't... helpless, again...
I have seen hard things in my life, this is true but what splendid
things I have seen as well. I am always noticing the character of
Christ acted out through Caleb, Jonah and Graci. They are still
human and certainly not perfect but there's something growing in
them... a "flower" that can only grow in the desert of
pain and loss. Some might look at Jeff and me and say, "what
a tragic story of loss..." And this is true to a certain extent
but there is a deeper story in there, you have to look really hard...
It's like when Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were thrown into the
firey furnace. King Nevechednezzer had to look really hard to see
that "the son of the most high God" was in the fire with
them. We (still) say along with Shadrach,Meshach and Abadnego, "
The God we serve is able to save us from the fire, and he will rescue
us... BUT even if he does not, we will not serve your gods..."
(Daniel 3:16-18) God chose not to save us from the "fire"
of the death of Levi but we press on knowing that our "rescue"
is still on it's way... "Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them." Deut. 4:9
Thank you so much for your prayers, |
